I'm going to talk about a little something I rarely ever discuss with other people. Church and religion. *just lost 6 readers, I'm sure*. But not necessarily my faith or what I believe. More like what I've been going through the past few months.
Usually I try to write a little bit cynically funny, but tonight I'm feeling like I just need to lay this out on the table for someone to see. I don't quite know for who to see, but just someone to acknowledge it and say "I understand". That's really what I think people want most in life--someone to understand.
Some of you readers may know that I've changed churches in the past few months. This wasn't my choice. And that is what this blog is about.
Let's back up a bit. I had been going to my former church since I was six years old. I was the veteran in the youth group--I had been going the longest. And for many years, I felt spiritually dry as a bone. Sure, I could regurgitate Scripture back to anyone who asked, but I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't excited to go to church. I only went to activities that sounded fun. I was going because I had to and had a stinky attitude about the whole ordeal. For years and years this happened.
I dated my former youth minister's son for a year and a half. And, yes, my former youth minister was really nice and I know he wanted what was best for us. But, unfortunately, knowing the innermost thoughts of his son tainted my image of how effective his teaching was. That and I found him to be a little too right-sided for my taste and really too bland for me. (As we all know, I can be quite spunky...) When he left, I was bitter as all get out. I was bitter about the hypocrisy of Christianity and those who followed it, and I had no hope for a better youth minister to come into the picture. In fact, I was thinking it could only get worse. I attended church less and less and was trying to find a new church to go to.
Then Josh came.
Josh was totally different. He was Radical with a capital R, and was sometimes even too radical for me to handle. But in a good way. Unorthodox methods of teaching, bringing up topics in the Bible I didn't even know existed, and planning events that were actually a guaranteed good time. It was crazy. I found myself craving church even more, for the right reasons. I found myself growing closer to God and loving this feeling of excitement and community. Everything was going excellent.
I got super close to my youth group. See, my family is no longer really a part of my life. Basically, I have my mom, one aunt, my dad, and my sister. Everyone else is dead or disowned. I had never really had a love for family. But my church turned into my family. A lot of the kids I considered to be my very own siblings, and to this day, I would fight to the death for any of them. They are amazing kids who are fun and silly and yet still are mature enough to take things seriously when the occasion calls for it. Guys, I can barely put this all down--I loved my youth group so much. Scratch that, I *love* them still. Every single one of them. They were everything to me. I would leave church grinning all the time because of these kids and I'm grinning now just thinking about all our crazy adventures in our big ole church bus.
And then in the peak of things, something happened. I don't know what. I don't know if people realize that, either. I have literally no idea what happened, everyone. I wish I did. All I know is feelings got hurt. That's it. And because of that, my dad decided me and my mom and himself would relocate and not be members of my old church--my home church with my beautiful and amazing family--to go somewhere else.
I am broken because of this. I go to my boyfriend's church now. And everyone there is super sweet to me and I especially am liking their new intern. And it's great to spend church with my boyfriend. But let's be honest.
It's not the same at all.
The lessons aren't deep enough for me. The singing is TOO refined. I haven't sang in church like I used to. My church, we would clap and yell and rejoice in worship. In this new church of mine, I'm scared to. I just stand there and sing as quiet as possible, and that's when I'm feeling rebellious. Most times I stand there, staring at the projector screen, feeling this knot in my stomach growing into a boulder in my gut and my eyes glaze over and I'm wishing I could be somewhere different.
I mean no offense to the people there. They're really great people, not even saying that to be polite. But when you feel like you got a divorce from your church, it's a gut-wrenching feeling. Something I don't think any new church can bring back in me...
The worst part of all of this is that I don't even know if anyone cares. I had waited for my old friends from my church to text me or call me and ask where I was. Heck, one of them is my very own neighbor, and I was praying he'd call and ask to drive me back to where I thought I belonged. But no one said anything to me. And I try to visit as much as I can. But people treat me different now. Guys, I'm the same old Jenna! I still dance like crazy to pop music in the car, I still laugh obnoxiously, I still like talking in the wee hours of night, I still watch horror films, I still play dubstep...I'm the girl you guys used to want to sit by on the long rides home. I'm still the girl you video-taped jumping into the ocean for the first time. I'm still the girl who wrote your play last year. I'm still the girl who was there when you needed me.
I got my mom to ask my former minister's wife if I can come to church camp with all of my old group this year. This family was like my family as well. Russell and Jennifer would be my legal guardians if my parents passed away. But now I never even talk to them.
I asked my friend if it'd be cool if I came to camp with her. This girl and I, we were the very best of friends. Yeah, I probably didn't appreciate her as much as I should have, but, my goodness, she was amazing. No one was as sweet as her. She could make me laugh all the time and she is SO creative, it's insane. She also loved to read. None of my friends read. She and I would yell about character's love triangles till our throats hurt. I asked her if me tagging along with her would be fun. She said "lol, yeah".
And that is why my heart is broken and that is why I sometimes feel like God has turned his back on me.
