I am tired of not being myself. I don't really remember a day where I feel completely like myself and I'm tired of waking up knowing that it'll just be another Fake Jenna kind of day. I mean, yeah, I'm mostly myself. But is a "mostly a boat" which is cut in half sea-worthy? Does a "mostly book" with only 56 out of 101 pages have a good ending? Will a "mostly safe" insane asylum with one murderous fiend running around naked with scissors still be a good idea to visit with a bunch of middle school girls? No.
I want to grow up. Somewhere, Peter Pan is laughing his green tights off at me, but I'm tired of waiting for things to happen. I don't really understand what wise old sage set all these limits of growing up so that when you're just a teenager in high school you can't really do anything. I don't understand why I can't get the things I want most in life. Which, yes, sounds completely and utterly selfish but who doesn't think that? Who hasn't wasted precious seconds on eyelash wishes that'll never come true and precious minutes waiting for 11:11 to come just so nothing can happen? Raise your hand if you've never really really wanted a magic genie to pop out of thin air. Raise your hand if you've never listened to Jiminy Cricket and wished upon a star. We're all raised with these bright Disney-centered fantasies of us growing up with everything we ever dreamed of. I'd really like to meet someone who has that. Not even being sarcastic.
Nothing tragic has ever really happened to me. I don't really think myself depressed or crazy-pessimistic. I just look at things different and I see everyone just has this gaping emptiness and it's choking me. This junior year of high school has been almost literal insanity to watch. People have warped themselves into things that barely resemble who they used to be. Like a Picasso painting except freaking scary as crap. The world I live in...I feel like I'm the only one watching it as it crumbles into microscopic pieces. And I'm not shootin' any political crap your way. Honestly, I could care less who you're voting for. I'm saying as a whole. I see it in everyone. There's something dark in everyone, no matter who you are, no matter what you say. It's in you and it's crouching behind your eyes and it's waiting for you to snap. And this year, I saw it snap. Like a dragon's jaws, SNAP SNAP SNAP, people who I cared about turned into things I don't even try to understand.
But I'm okay. I have two loving parents who spoil me way too much. I have an amazing boyfriend who makes about everything cliche a reality (in the best way possible). I have two churches now (Thanks Skiatook for welcoming me back home). I have the...wait for it..."bear necessities, the simple bear necessities". I'm not gonna lie to you and say my friendships are fine. I think the thing I've learned out of this whole year is I need new friends. Or maybe I need to be a better one. I just don't even know.
Can you tell I'm lost?
That's my point.
Everyone is lost.
Thanks for listening.
