Because I have read SO many dull and pointless interviews, with the exception of Emma Watson and the higher intellectual women in Hollywood that seem as rare as an albino Beaver/Moose hybrid, sometimes when I'm getting ready, I imagine I'm being interviewed in my own little head. Which is absolutely preposterous. Mainly because I have the fashion sense of a homeless woman who stumbled into an Old Navy (with a few exceptions--like my giant knit parka thing. That thing is COMFY). But, a girl can dream that one day, a little naive thirteen year old will look at her and say "Wow, I wish *I* could look like that hobo..."
AND NOW YOU CAN.
I will tell you the few beauty tips I've collected in the past few years. If they're of any use, bless you. Obviously your face had been hit by a rock or something if you need this chick's advice. But, hey, we all have issues. So here we go!
- Aveda's Dual Foundation. I have this boyfriend. He has no idea what foundation is. Let me explain to you males, because one day, your woman will be screaming at you that you can;t see her unless she's wearing this junk. Basically, foundation is this skin-colored gunk that can either be in a powder (like what I'm about to describe/endorse/shamelessly plug) or a liquid ooze. I make it sound bad. When you first use it, yeah, it can get pretty weird. You either end up looking like an air-brushed Anime doll or an Oompa Loompa. I was a cross between a stunned crustacean and a geisha when I first started using the stuff. Now, the thing about foundation is that 1. A little goes a long way 2. It can get sweaty real fast and 3. It can make your face look like one of those chest-things in Alien are ready to come out. A.K.A Grandmother Acne Breakout may come for a visit. BUT! This Aveda stuff is all natural *waves wand of Mother Earth mystically* and is heavy enough to cover all zits/red spots/discoloring without making you feel like you're wearing a masquerade mask all day long. It's $25, but I'd say it's worth it.
- Spat! Hair Color. If you haven't heard, I have blue hair now. No, I did not get beat up by a Smurf, thanks. Yeah, you're very funny, with that "Was your father a blueberry?" line. Very clever. No, but, although this time around I did not use Splat!, I have in the past. Guys, that stuff is made directly by magical elves with punk rock hair, I'm telling you. It has very vivid colour, washes out in time for school or whatever you need to look "civilized" for, and really just looks plain awesome. Plus, it's mega cheap, which usually is a bad thing, but not in this case. This junk is only $8. Zoo wee mama.
- Falsies Black Drama Mascara. A long time ago, I went to the most outrageously overpriced formal in my life. I had just run out of mascara and needed some serious lash-power going on, because this was the event of the year (which is absolutely pathetic seeing as we all just snuck out thirty minutes into it because they forced everybody to play musical chairs...) So, I had barely any money, and needed to get all dolled up. Well, this stuff packed a serious punch to my eyes, in a good non-abusive way. I looked like I was seriously wearing false eyelashes (which aren't as stupid as everyone thinks, by the way). I don't use it now because I wanted to switch, but I think I'll be going back soon. I'm pretty sure those sticks of pure lash pleasure are around $6-$7.
- Sally Hansen's X-Treme Nail Polish (I'm faking the name, I have almost no clue what it's actual name is. Sally Hansen's something something X-TREME!). Okay, so, usually when I hear the word "X-Treme" and see it misspelled in that atrocious style that brought us the delinquent "TOYS R (backwards) US" sign, I have my doubts. BUT! Surprisingly, this wasn't being advertised to me as a muscle enhancement, a male performance pill, or a skateboarding competition. This is actually some quality nail polish going on. What I especially love is that they have TONS of pastels, which are my favourite nail colour to have. Tyler got me some Mint of this brand for my birthday and it is by far the best nail polish I've ever used. It wasn't streaky or weirdly thick or too smelly. Just right. And me being the absolute cheapskate that I am, I was thrilled to find out they only cost about $2.50, which is more than 50% off those retarded OPI polishes you spent half your allowance on.
Okay, so those are my most endorsed products ever. The stuff I use daily, real quick, is
- Aveda Foundation
- Eyelash Curler
- Chubby Stick in Strawberry
- Any blush I can find
- Illegal Lengths Mascara
- Justin Bieber "Someday" perfume
- Garnier Curl Scrunch. DO NOT BUY THIS STUFF. It dries your hair out quicker than being shoved into the sand of the Sahara. I just have to suffer through because I'm too cheap to buy new gunk.
And that is seriously it. My number one rule in makeup is:
Don't take away from your features, but enhance them.
If God wanted you to cover up your face that bad, you would have come out of the womb with a paper sack over your head.
Don't wear buttloads of makeup to impress anyone. Obviously, if the person you're trying to impress finds that much makeup attractive, they have a clown fetish, and that is never a healthy relationship to be in--believe you me. ;)
Now, fellas, I know this probably bored you to tears. BUT! Think of it this way. I just helped you with about two years of gifts. Yeah. That's right. Even if your girlfriend is no where near as ugly as I am, I think even pretty people might want some of my suggestions. ;)
Cheers folks :D
