A Serious Sammich of Love

Hey there everyone. :) We haven't chit-chatted in quite a bit, have we? My best buddy just reminded me to blog, so I was like, "You know what?! I will!!!" So here we are.

Today's post will be a serious sandwich wedged between two delightful wedges of hilarity. So open wide, Inklings, cause I'm shoving my serious sandwich down your throat whether you like it or not.

Cartoon Characters That I Have No Shame in Having a Crush On:

1. Wilbur Robinson. Sure, he's thirteen. Sure, he's from the future. Sure, he has pointy hair. So what? He's adorable. He has a time-machine. He has exceptional pigeon-noise-making skills.
2. Alex the Lion. Yeah, bring on the bestiality jokes. I don't care what you say, that lion is TONED.
3. Jack Skellington. He's dead, yes, we know. But! He can sing like a stud muffin, and he's fit and he loves Halloween. Really, we're a match made in heaven.
4. Wilt from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. He's the tall, red one with the rattling eye. He's sweet. I would totally adopt him...and kiss him. Haha, just joshin', I wouldn't kiss my adoptive adorable son who I have a crush on.

Serious Sammich Time!!!

So, I have a lot of single friends, or friends who suck at relationships ( I mean NO offense, because I do, too). I understand that very well, because I just split up with my boyfriend of over a year and a half. I'm fine, but I know what its like to hate to be lonely. So, I thought I could give you some advice that I *pinky* promise will work at least a LITTLE. Maybe even a lot. Here we go!!!!

Ways to Tell if Someone Likes You:

• They fidget with their hands around you. Chances are, that means they want to hold your hand really bad but they are just way way way too shy to try.
• They laugh at your jokes when you KNOW its not funny. They're trying to impress you.
• They make fun of something you did wrong, but they don't POINT at you. OK, let me explain. Say, you got an alligator in your lunch box by accident (???) and this person starts noticing. They'll say something like "Wow...you must really really crave reptiles" or something absolutely stupid. They smile. But they don't point and laugh. This is them trying to be confident around you and show you they have a sense of humor.
• They give you "The Glance". It's that look they give you but pretend they WEREN'T just noticing how cute you are.

Tips for Girls:

• Don't wear makeup. Boys find it scary. No one wants to flirt with clown woman.
• Smile shyly. You can flash the mega-watt smiles, too, but showing tiny smiles make them realize "HOLY CHEESE GRATERS! IS SHE CUTE OR WHAT?!"
• Laugh at yourself. If you admit your own oopsies, they'll realize you're fun and confident.

Tips for Boys:

• Use more than one adjective to describe a good-lookin' lass. "Cute" will make them think "I'M JUST CUTE?!" We have super shallow esteems, so boost ladies up with words like "pretty", "adorable", "stunning", "gorgeous"...even "beautiful" when you mean it.
• Put on cologne. I promise ALL girls find cologne to be awesome.
• Be embarrassed. No girl wants a pig-headed boyfriend. If you're embarrassed, admit it so that girls know you can be sensitive enough for them.

Attractive Movie Characters That I Would Gladly Hide in my Closet:

1. Edward Scissorhands
2. The Joker
3. Phantom of the Opera
4. Peter Pan

Why I Still Loathe Motivational Posters

My school is a treasure trove for asinine (put your enraged fists down, kids, I'm not cussing at you, it means "ridiculous") motivational posters. Wait, no. "MOTIVATIONAL" posters. There we go.
Why the quotes around it? Well, I already told you I hated motivational posters for the lack of connection with the motivational saying and the photo. And while my school continues this tradition of being schizo with the photos and quotes, they also manage to quote the most ridiculous (put down your pointing fingers, kids, I'm not educating you, ridiculous means "asinine") sayings I have ever heard. Let me show you by example:

• We have a poster with two frogs sprawled over each other like teenagers making out in a basement ( sorry, teenagers). Underneath the photo, the picture says "Talking comes by nature, Silence comes from wisdom." Not only is this the most stupid thing I've ever heard but...well, IT'S THE MOST STUPID THING I'VE EVER HEARD. OK, look at this logically. Babies? They don't talk. In fact, they don't even THINK about talking until they hear you do it over and over and over. If you shoved a baby in a bubble and left him in the ocean floating without humans, I promise you, when he comes back at age seventeen, he will not be able to talk...or even relate to anyone other than whales... Next! If you are being raped, beaten, or shocked by a toaster, what do you do? You YELL. You TALK. You're not so wise-looking if you're dead now are you? Talking is by learning, Silence is by teachers wanting you to shut up.
• We have another amazingly bogus poster stating "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said." Isn't that what court of law is all about??? Just saying.
• There's a poster of a bear lounging on a rock besides my desk in science. I like to poke his nose when I'm bored. (Yes, I know, I'm weird, we KNOW this, guys.) He says "I like work, but it just cuts into my day." What day?! You're a grizzly bear, not a stay-at-home mom! Your day? Your day consists of: Eat, fish, hibernate. I think a little work would be good for you, Yogi.
• In my Spanish class, there is a picture of a football player. Under the picture? "Never quit." What if you're addicted to crack cocaine?
• Lastly, in my Spanish class, which is also a science classroom, there is a poster of a map of Washington D.C. Spanish? Science?...Geography? Something doesn't add up.

Basically, if it's lamented, tack it to your wall. I think that's the rule of thumb they use.

"We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We, the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend, Pioneers! O pioneers!" -walt whitman

A little seriousness for you to consider.

You're Just Mediocre--Snail Mail Terrorism

Well howdy. I hope everyone is well and smelling delicious, like a beautiful bar of scented soap that doesn't smell like Bigfoot Urine. I hope everyone had at least one person call them pretty or handsome or divine or evenaddictingyoursmellislikefreesiabellaiwantyourbloodBLEHBLEHBLEHI'mavampire.

So, this week, I want to mix-it-up like some yogurt spiked with Jack Daniels. Not that I condone drinking---Timmy put the bottle down---but just that I want to go from SAFE to...KE$HA-KRAZY. Or, basically, safe to insane. So, this week, I shall be doing something SO crazy, SO extreme, SO death-defying, that you can't even tell your grannies about it. You CAN'T. It's illegal, actually.

We all get "Hate Mail" in our lives. We even get "Love Notes". But what the heck happened with the "You're Just Mediocre" letters? Where did they go? Nowhere. Wanna know why? Because, well...they never existed. SO CONSIDER ME the spawn-releaser of the soon-to-be-a-smash "You're Just Mediocre" letter!!!! *insert wild applause and screaming with joy*
Now what makes this crazy? What makes this "daring"? The thing, is I'm gonna send these letters at random to people in the phone book, because I am a loser who collects phone books. Hopefully we can make them smile, or at least get really angry, but whatever the case, consider this as "Snail Mail Terrorism". Because, well, we're starting a movement, after all.

As my privileged children of random (You're not my child, by the way. Sorry if you thought I was seriously your mother and you thought seriously your grandmother would be a flower...but, well, Timmy, you're adopted.) you get to view the madness I'm about to send. So we'll send one random "You're Just Mediocre" letter a week and you get to view each one.

"Dear Fat Man Eating a Twinkie,
Congratulations on supporting Hostess products through all these years. Because of you, they have thrived through all sorts of terrible economies, risen above all odds, and still tastes pretty mediocre.
I'll have to frown upon you, though, because you're fat, and we all know you do not need these carbs. Therefore, if I catch you again, you shall be carted to a secret facility where they grow celery, otherwise known as "farms", and we shall take away your Twinkie and we shall replace it with something for skinny people.
We have determined that you are, as one would say in the Old Country, "Just Mediocre" in the way of your eating habits.
Thank you and have a good Hannukah."
-Sincerely, The Board of Weasel Weight Watchers and Other Affliates

I'll be sure to put in another note with a memo saying I have no idea if they're fat, but if they are, that they should quit the Twinkies.
I may even link them to the blog...then again, they could find me and kill me and use my blood to paint their toenails, so maybe not....

Health food stores and farmers selling horse crack

You Inklings are what the French would call..."cruel". Yes, I mean you, you punks. You're the ones who would chase me down streets screaming "WRITE WRITE WRITE!"! You're the ones who threw rocks and rotting vegetables at me while I clambered into my car!! YOU'RE THE ONES WHO HELD UP MY DOG FOR RANSOM!!! You're crazy, do you hear me??? CRAZY.
OK, so none of that happened. In fact...no one even noticed I was gone! I'm beginning to think--dare I say it--that you...you...don't care..? Is it true, Inklings? Tell me it isn't true. Because if it were, I may just have to shove my face full of tuna, and we all know what cruel, disgusting things tuna are. Do you really want me to resort to a punishment so low? So cruel?? If not, you had better start showing me some love, or gosh darn it, Chicken of the Sea will be my new facial cleansing product. *shudders* I can't believe you, guys. I just can't.

I have discovered a new obsession. Bars of soap. They're so...square. In the words of Princess Jasmine, bars of soap are..."A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!! A DAZZLING PLACE I NEVER KNEW!!!"...I mean..um...really awesome and geometrically sound. They smell good, they look good, and they clean like...like the shamwows of hygiene. But! Alas! I have found a flaw in ONE bar of soap my momma bought me--it smells like pot/tar/Bigfoot. You wanna know why? Because I bought it at a health food store. Which is the Wal-Mart for faded out hippie men and their crackpot lovers/wives...NOTE THAT I MADE WIVES PLURAL. Theres always that one cute and youthful old man and then eleven old ladies in there. You then walk through the whole store going "Is THIS the wife?" "Is THIS the lover?" "Why can't I get any good tasting food here?" So, I believe all health food store owners own the following things in their closet:

1. Dial-A-Wife's phonebook
2. Beaded vests
3. Power-suits
4. Magical white-hair fluffifier
5. Simon and Garfunkel
6. Bigfoot pee to make soap with

Poetry is a weird hobby of mine. Actually, I have several weird hobbies--like watching children on carousels... not even joking, I do it at the mall for fun. Maybe I should incorporate a camera in there to make my creeper status go sky-high? Better wait till I get facial hair and a lazy eye first... ANYWAYS. Poetry is a weird habit of mine when I can't really talk to people about anything. Not poetry like:

"I saw a bird up in a tree and he pooped on me so I said whee and stung him like a bee"

or poetry like

"Rain is on my body. I killed my father. The end" *snaps fingers with appreciation*

I hate poets like that. I'm a huge believer in free verse, but I hate when poets keep shooting big' abusive things in there.

"I was naked on a cold tile floor

And there sat my heart beating

Laughing at me

BY THE WAY I WAS SUICIDAL."

That is just plain WEIRD. Especially when its someone who has NO idea what they're talking about.

"I am a white boy.

I live in Iowa and I'm homeschooled.

I sell crack to horses.

Dance for me, Snoop Dog and snort up life with me."

I would show you mine, but I'm sure I suck in my own special widdle way.

Cheers.