You're Just Mediocre--Snail Mail Terrorism

Well howdy. I hope everyone is well and smelling delicious, like a beautiful bar of scented soap that doesn't smell like Bigfoot Urine. I hope everyone had at least one person call them pretty or handsome or divine or evenaddictingyoursmellislikefreesiabellaiwantyourbloodBLEHBLEHBLEHI'mavampire.

So, this week, I want to mix-it-up like some yogurt spiked with Jack Daniels. Not that I condone drinking---Timmy put the bottle down---but just that I want to go from SAFE to...KE$HA-KRAZY. Or, basically, safe to insane. So, this week, I shall be doing something SO crazy, SO extreme, SO death-defying, that you can't even tell your grannies about it. You CAN'T. It's illegal, actually.

We all get "Hate Mail" in our lives. We even get "Love Notes". But what the heck happened with the "You're Just Mediocre" letters? Where did they go? Nowhere. Wanna know why? Because, well...they never existed. SO CONSIDER ME the spawn-releaser of the soon-to-be-a-smash "You're Just Mediocre" letter!!!! *insert wild applause and screaming with joy*
Now what makes this crazy? What makes this "daring"? The thing, is I'm gonna send these letters at random to people in the phone book, because I am a loser who collects phone books. Hopefully we can make them smile, or at least get really angry, but whatever the case, consider this as "Snail Mail Terrorism". Because, well, we're starting a movement, after all.

As my privileged children of random (You're not my child, by the way. Sorry if you thought I was seriously your mother and you thought seriously your grandmother would be a flower...but, well, Timmy, you're adopted.) you get to view the madness I'm about to send. So we'll send one random "You're Just Mediocre" letter a week and you get to view each one.

"Dear Fat Man Eating a Twinkie,
Congratulations on supporting Hostess products through all these years. Because of you, they have thrived through all sorts of terrible economies, risen above all odds, and still tastes pretty mediocre.
I'll have to frown upon you, though, because you're fat, and we all know you do not need these carbs. Therefore, if I catch you again, you shall be carted to a secret facility where they grow celery, otherwise known as "farms", and we shall take away your Twinkie and we shall replace it with something for skinny people.
We have determined that you are, as one would say in the Old Country, "Just Mediocre" in the way of your eating habits.
Thank you and have a good Hannukah."
-Sincerely, The Board of Weasel Weight Watchers and Other Affliates

I'll be sure to put in another note with a memo saying I have no idea if they're fat, but if they are, that they should quit the Twinkies.
I may even link them to the blog...then again, they could find me and kill me and use my blood to paint their toenails, so maybe not....