An Open Letter to Younger Jenna

A few days ago, my dear readers, I had come across a rare find--a diary. Whose, you may ask? My own. From when? 5th-7th grade. My dear readers, I eagerly read through those pages with such fervor you would have thought I had stumbled upon the Dead Sea Scrolls. Instead, I discovered a frightening truth...

At age 11-13, I was most probably certifiably insane.

Example A, I had "Fallen MADLY in love!!!!!!" with about 8 boys every week. Apparently, I've had a lot of soul mates in my time, all of which never knew (and still do not know) that I even considered them to be possibly candidates for fathering my young. Which is fine by me, because a lot of them are either pot heads now or noodling someplace that no one's ever heard of.

Example B, I had an extreme love/hate relationship with my best friend for 11 years, Allison. I apparently bought her chocolates and fine jewelry and then she slapped me and called me a witch. None of which, by the way, is probably true, so this means not only did I make connections with males quickly but also I was a sociopath...all the makings of a great gold digger someday, my friends.

Example C, I was madly in love with my best friend for two years, who was my "super hot boyfriend". Let's just clear this up. The kid called me 5 times in my life, liked to sing a song about butt paste on a constant basis, and for my birthday had his mother give me his toys from when he was 5. Needless to say, it was a shame to see such a heartthrob leave my life. I have no idea how I carried on.

Example D, I believed I had telepathic powers for about a week. I have no explanation for this. When you know, you know, I suppose.

SO, looking back at this tragic and dramatic time of my life where every single stinking detail was crucial to my very essence ("I have a scab in my nose! OMG, my dad made me take out the trash! WHEN AM I GONNA GET A PHONE!?"), I decided that I would write this very amazing Open Letter to myself just in case time travel ever happens and my tween-self decides to venture past the time/space continuum.

Dear Younger Jenna,

I hate to tell you this, but that entire songbook you made with the lyrics "I'm like a pie, get it while it's hot!" and "My soul is full of cobwebs and screaming" will not be produced into a multi-platinum album. Also, David Pilgrim will NOT marry you, so forget about writing your name as "Mrs. Jenna Pilgrim" about five zillion times, because you're just killing trees. Oh! Good news. I read the notes you wrote to "Future Jenna" and I'm pleased to inform you that not only have you NOT ever smoked or drank, but, in fact, you also have managed from employing yourself as a stripper and you've never done it either, so, yeah, thanks for the memo. It sure helped contain myself from signing onto the Night Tripps 7:30-12:00 shift. Also, your band? "Smashing Walls" (totally NOT a knock-off from Smashing Pumpkins, I'm sure)? Didn't make it. I know it's tough to hear, especially since you made that band after your first guitar lesson and knowing only how to play "Brain Stew" and then forgetting how in a matter of hours. But I have some good news. You have an awesome boyfriend now (you've had to meet a few jerks beforehand, though). That kid who you thought you were in love with because he liked dragons too? Yeah, him. Oh, and your parents? They still love you (but also still yell a bit). And Allison turns into a very sweet girl who has impeccable taste in fashion (because you and her are about to discover Seventeen in about 2 months). And Briana, who is "really nice but not sure if she likes me", yeah, she's one of the best friends you're ever going to have. And you're going to be even better at writing. And you're going to get a phone. So, congrats. You did things pretty well. :)

--Older Jenna