Me: "I'm sorry I offended you and I would like for next time this happens, for us to work it out."
Person: "I forgive you, even though you did THIS wrong, you MUDDLED THIS UP, and you EVEN DID THIS WRONG, WHICH I FOUND IMPOSSIBLE CONSIDERING EVERY HUMAN CAN DO IT EXCEPT YOU, YOU WASTE OF LIFE!!!!...So, yeah, I forgive you, let's forget it.
Forget it? FORGET IT? Seriously, if I ask for forgiveness, that is the point where you put the things that I said aside, take in my genuine apology, and leave it be. I never apologize unless I mean it, because I hate, as I said before, forgiveness fakers. I also don't forgive unless I feel in my heart that I am able to stop dwelling on the hurtful things people say.
Moving on to lighter substances, like Three Musketeers...what is your sugar craving? I will tell you a deep secret that only twelve million people know: When I'm home alone I create a super un-healthy treat just for myself. Would you like the recipe? WELL, THEN! Welcome to cooking at home with Ms. Schweeeeeeettttttooth.
Ms. Schweeeeeeeettttooth: "Hello, and welcome to our show. Today we will be making "Heart Attack Surprise". As we all know, sometimes, your heart feels a little funky after eating sugar straight out of the bag. Which is why we can get surprised when our hearts go "HOLY CRAP I'M GONNA FAIL!!!" *pleasant smile* Today, we'll be ensuring a quicker way to die, so that maybe you know a heart attack is possible. *smiles again and moves towards counter*. First, we start off with strawberries. That way, our mothers will see the missing strawberries and think that we're snacking healthily at home in her absence. *cheery laughter* Boy, is she wrong! Next, grab a whip cream canister and LET 'ER RIP!!! *sprays an entire continent's worth of whipped topping onto strawberries* *giddy laugh that melts into a warm smile* That way, in case the strawberries come alive, they will drown instantly in this fattening white foam of the gods. Then, we take a few tablespoons of brown sugar. *takes a shovel and pours the brown sugar all over the ocean of whipped cream* That should do it. And then finally, crumple up some chocolate and lightly place on top of the entire gooey mess you created. *smiles as she dumps half of Wonka's factory onto the massive sugary goodness* And there you have it, Heart Attack Surprise. "
So, if I ever mysteriously die, it wasn't suicide, it was just me eating a lot of that stuff.
Last note: Soap Operas. I was addicted for a day, but now I'm sober, don't worry. But man, those things are strange. There was this character in one who shook her body like she was having mini seizures. Like, honest to God, this is how it went:
Rebecca: No, Stanley, I don't want to go to your place for prom.
Stanley: *huskily* You must. Or else...the secret will be out.
*dramatic music*
Hairdresser lady" *wiggling and spastically throwing up her hands*: Your tanning bed is ready!!!!!!!! Hot stuff.
She was bizarre, but I started to watch that show just to laugh my face off. By the way, this woman had to be sixty years old.
When I say I want hemp jewelry, I giggle because I want people to think I smoke it.
