Crazy Men: A Fairytale

    Men are crazy. Yeah, girls are crazy, but let's just be up front. Women are crazy because men find that stuff appealing. You're never gonna find a man who's like "Yeah, I found this girl--I swear, she's my dream girl. She's average and is about as interesting a dirt. I'm one lucky fella." Crazy girls have this strange appeal. "Man, I found the best girl ever--she wrestles alligators on the weekdays, and on weekends she teaches CPR to a tribe of cannibals in Mongolia. I think she's the One." But crazy men on the other hand...that's just wrong. We can have weird dudes and eccentric males, but crazy men? Uh uh. Unacceptable. You are a man. You are the figurehead of stability and comfort. I don't care if you want to wear neon pink pants, you can't because you are the man. Now hand those pants over, I have some alligators to wrestle.
    I've really noticed this gender role, how men aren't supposed to be crazy, mainly because I have had the discomfort of dealing with crazy men. So I thought I would tickle your funny bone and tell you some woeful tales of men that are just not right. Names have been changed ridiculously to protect the identities of those humiliated by this story, although we regret this since we feel as a whole, men should be humiliated into acting somewhat socially acceptable.
   
   Story Numero Uno. There once was a very socially awkward lad named Penguin Biscuit. Penguin Biscuit had been homeschooled all his life and never really got out much to talk to women, but he found them pleasant and smelly in the best possible way. One day, he met this girl named Milo Breezyskits at co-op. She was everything he ever wanted, except she wasn't an elf and didn't have any clue on reading binary. He had somewhat befriended this lass and decided that now was the time to make his move, even if she had repeatedly stated she in fact had a beau. So one day, she went to urinate  and he followed her. He creepily waited outside to ask her a serious question. She was very creeped out by this. He told her he had intentions to flirt with her and knew he had no chance but wanted her to know. She awkwardly walked into class. The next day he gave her fake earrings. Her ears were not pierced. Then he realized she had rejected him, so he told the class she did not know how to read. They were in highschool. If she didn't know how to read, honestly, how did she get into highschool... The rest of the year was filled with Penguin Biscuit yelling at her, running away like Napoleon Dynamite, and sneering. He was a crazy man.

Story Numero Dos. Not long ago, a very clingy young man by the name of Jingjangle Spankybutt decided to contact his ex-girlfriend. He had not spoken to her in two years time, and she found this somewhat okay to reconnect in a friendly checking-up kinda way. Unfortunately, Jingjangle Spankybutt had other plans. He had been vaguely hinting about her beauty, his success, and how he wished to see her someday. She absent-mindedly said things like "yeah, that'd be cool" "mmhmm" "okay bro" and the like. Somehow, Jingjangle Spankybutt took this as a sign to pursue her like a fox that did not want anything but to be left in peace to eat some dead mice or something productive. So Jingjangle informed her at eight in the morning he would be invading her abode with his Spankybutt presence. This, my dear reader, did not fly. He kept trying excuses to see this girl, who had told him explicitly that she was only clad in men's underwear and wished to be left to drinking tea. She also reminded him she had a boyfriend who would not enjoy random romps of two people such as them, especially if Jingjangle had been saying how much of a knockout Milo was. So Jingjangle left her forever with a very unceremonious "a'ight bye". He was a crazy man.


Story Numero Tres. There was a boy new at a school who everyone called Yelkie VonSmootie. Yelkie was a talented minstrel who played sonnets for many a maiden. One maiden caught his eye and he decided to compose a song specifically for her. Unfortunately, it was about male genitalia. He would play it for her endlessly after school, thinking himself charming and clever. In reality, he was just really smelly and very annoying. He declared his affections to this girl by viciously biting her hand until it bled and asking her out shortly after. She said no. He went out with a lesser maiden with the brain capacity of a saltine cracker. There was much rejoicing on the creeped out maiden's side. He never talked to her again. He was a crazy man.



The End.

What's your crazy opposite gender story? Comment comment or I'll smack you down with a brick.

I'm a fan of positive reinforcement.

Senior Vows (PART ONE?)

This year is the BIG year. My last year of high school is coming up in a few weeks and I can hardly believe it. Last I checked, I was still the fat awkward home schooled freshman that always smelt like a Bath and Body Works blew up on me...my how times have changed...Now I'm this big old adult lady who's addicted to mugs and cats I can't have. I don't know if this is more pathetic or on the road to improvement. 
   Looking back on high school, I have definitely grown. Getting a random e-mail from my ex boyfriend this week has certainly reminded me of that. I used to be a very dependent, right-winged, emo chick freshman year. Sophomore year, I was a very insecure but fun-loving chickadee who really wanted friends. Junior year, I had a lot of emotional ups and downs and struggled with finding myself, and also realized that old movies are in fact very awesome. And now this year is my last year. And I plan on doing what every senior has always promised. I'm going to make it the best. So here is my vows of how to accomplish such a legendary quest. Enjoy.

                                                       BIG FAT SENIOR VOWS

1. Wear one thing that stands out every single day. I realize I dress very boring. That is funny, because I find myself very not-boring and therefore this must change or else someone will have to die. 
2. Not tolerate crap. I have let many a person use me as a welcome-mat and now I'm thinking of becoming some other form of home decor that isn't as cruddy as the one aforementioned. 
3. Work hard. Yeah yeah, we say it every year. But obviously this year counts the most. Otherwise the world will burst into flames and a million babies will be aborted, or something severe like that it seems. 
4. Stress less. How can I work hard and stress less? By spacing out my time, taking short breaks, and not throwing my math book at the wall screaming "CURSE YE BOOK OF LUCIFER!!!"
5. Organize. Let me tell you a scary story. Once, Milo had some lunch. It did not appeal to her, so she stuffed it into her teal backpack and was going to throw it away like a sensible child. But, alas, no, she forgot! And there the lunch festered and spoiled until it oozed a deep black liquid and grew hair like a very ugly baby. And Milo kept forgetting her lunches until they took over her locker, turning it into a smelly abyss of mold and squelching nastiness. All who opened the locker died. So Milo vowed on her blog never to let such a plague cover the land again.
6. Have fun. It's my last year, I'm gonna be wild and crazy. All who are not pleased, stick your head in a toilet and come back out only when you realize I'm right.
7. Go on adventures. Even if my friends wanna be stinkfaces, if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it. Headstrong and fancy-free, watch out world, I'm wearing my sassy-pants this year!
8. Take a risk. Like setting a church on fire or shaving someone's head while their asleep. Or raise my hand and discuss my opinion--something risky like that.

What are YOUR senior vows? Comment below or blow up a building, I don't care.