Crazy Men: A Fairytale

    Men are crazy. Yeah, girls are crazy, but let's just be up front. Women are crazy because men find that stuff appealing. You're never gonna find a man who's like "Yeah, I found this girl--I swear, she's my dream girl. She's average and is about as interesting a dirt. I'm one lucky fella." Crazy girls have this strange appeal. "Man, I found the best girl ever--she wrestles alligators on the weekdays, and on weekends she teaches CPR to a tribe of cannibals in Mongolia. I think she's the One." But crazy men on the other hand...that's just wrong. We can have weird dudes and eccentric males, but crazy men? Uh uh. Unacceptable. You are a man. You are the figurehead of stability and comfort. I don't care if you want to wear neon pink pants, you can't because you are the man. Now hand those pants over, I have some alligators to wrestle.
    I've really noticed this gender role, how men aren't supposed to be crazy, mainly because I have had the discomfort of dealing with crazy men. So I thought I would tickle your funny bone and tell you some woeful tales of men that are just not right. Names have been changed ridiculously to protect the identities of those humiliated by this story, although we regret this since we feel as a whole, men should be humiliated into acting somewhat socially acceptable.
   
   Story Numero Uno. There once was a very socially awkward lad named Penguin Biscuit. Penguin Biscuit had been homeschooled all his life and never really got out much to talk to women, but he found them pleasant and smelly in the best possible way. One day, he met this girl named Milo Breezyskits at co-op. She was everything he ever wanted, except she wasn't an elf and didn't have any clue on reading binary. He had somewhat befriended this lass and decided that now was the time to make his move, even if she had repeatedly stated she in fact had a beau. So one day, she went to urinate  and he followed her. He creepily waited outside to ask her a serious question. She was very creeped out by this. He told her he had intentions to flirt with her and knew he had no chance but wanted her to know. She awkwardly walked into class. The next day he gave her fake earrings. Her ears were not pierced. Then he realized she had rejected him, so he told the class she did not know how to read. They were in highschool. If she didn't know how to read, honestly, how did she get into highschool... The rest of the year was filled with Penguin Biscuit yelling at her, running away like Napoleon Dynamite, and sneering. He was a crazy man.

Story Numero Dos. Not long ago, a very clingy young man by the name of Jingjangle Spankybutt decided to contact his ex-girlfriend. He had not spoken to her in two years time, and she found this somewhat okay to reconnect in a friendly checking-up kinda way. Unfortunately, Jingjangle Spankybutt had other plans. He had been vaguely hinting about her beauty, his success, and how he wished to see her someday. She absent-mindedly said things like "yeah, that'd be cool" "mmhmm" "okay bro" and the like. Somehow, Jingjangle Spankybutt took this as a sign to pursue her like a fox that did not want anything but to be left in peace to eat some dead mice or something productive. So Jingjangle informed her at eight in the morning he would be invading her abode with his Spankybutt presence. This, my dear reader, did not fly. He kept trying excuses to see this girl, who had told him explicitly that she was only clad in men's underwear and wished to be left to drinking tea. She also reminded him she had a boyfriend who would not enjoy random romps of two people such as them, especially if Jingjangle had been saying how much of a knockout Milo was. So Jingjangle left her forever with a very unceremonious "a'ight bye". He was a crazy man.


Story Numero Tres. There was a boy new at a school who everyone called Yelkie VonSmootie. Yelkie was a talented minstrel who played sonnets for many a maiden. One maiden caught his eye and he decided to compose a song specifically for her. Unfortunately, it was about male genitalia. He would play it for her endlessly after school, thinking himself charming and clever. In reality, he was just really smelly and very annoying. He declared his affections to this girl by viciously biting her hand until it bled and asking her out shortly after. She said no. He went out with a lesser maiden with the brain capacity of a saltine cracker. There was much rejoicing on the creeped out maiden's side. He never talked to her again. He was a crazy man.



The End.

What's your crazy opposite gender story? Comment comment or I'll smack you down with a brick.

I'm a fan of positive reinforcement.