Get the Potato Cannon!

I know I know--I suck at frequent posting. Hopefully, I'll check into blog rehab and quit my laziness. No promises. But I'm gonna give it a shot!

Frequent Things I'm Paranoid About:

1. Murderer is in my shower and is JUST WAITING for when I go pee so he can kill me.
2. My fish is gonna die the *second* I turn around.
3. I'm gonna turn invisible and no one will realize it. Yeah, I'm serious.
4. The Grudge will appear in my bed when I finally get over being scared.
5. I'm gonna get possessed by Satan.
6. I'll pee my pants and not know it.
7. Getting sweat stains.
8. Throwing up in public.
9. Accidentally cussing in front of loads of people.
10. Getting walked in on while at a gas station bathroom.

So, Thanksgiving is upon us like an ominous fat ghost of deliciousness. This is the thing...why did we pick our traditional food to be "traditional" on Thanksgiving? Who decides this stuff? I'm pretty sure this was not a voting process when Thanksgiving was made a holiday. So, here's what I propose:

• Instead of Turkey, I'm thinking of another obnoxious bird: OSTRICH.
• Cranberry sauce? What the heck, who even LIKES that strange jiggly mass? Let's make it: JELLO MOLD OF THE MAYFLOWER! historical, and oh so jigglin' delicious
• Stuffing. It's just warped bread. In fact, it's stoner's bread. So, better yet, howabout: LEVITATING BREAD. C'mon, scientists, I know you can make it!
• Mashed Potatoes are beautiful things that should only be changed by way of technique. So, instead of oh-so-boringly mashing them....LET'S SHOOT THE POTATOES OUT OF CANNONS. THE LEAST THANKFUL KID IN THE FAMILY GETS HIT FIRST.

I think I covered it. So, what's your family's holiday tradition? Nothing but watching TV? Yeah, us too. I think I may just change that up by forcing my family to play Green Day Rockband with me. Either that, or participating in a pagan rain dance. IDK, they're both so entertaining.

"We sure are cute for two ugly people"--"Anyone Else But You"