Rebel's To-Do List

Hello, Inklings! Don't you get a fuzzy feeling when I say hello to you, like you actually matter to me? Well, guess what! YOU DO MATTER TO ME! Every last stinkin' one of ya! I'd like to welcome a new Inkling who hopped on the crazy bus, Follower #21. I know your screen name, but I think "Follower #21" sounds very experimental...like we're gonna mutate you or something...not like we'd ever do that to you...right Inklings? *puts down long syringe and smiles with an eye twitch*. No, but, bottom line, I love you guys. Oldies and noobs.
When I typed noobs I giggled a little hehehe. Okay, so today, I re-dyed my hair again...PINK! So that my momma, who is, if you did not know, a rose, would be proud. Man, look at the comas in that sentence! Whoops! I meant to type commas! I went into a comma coma!
I also got a Seventeen magazine. Yeah, I know, typical girl. Who cares? In the back of this new one, they have a list of things to do during the summer, which I actually plan on ignoring. Why? Because I'm a freakin' rebel *runs rampant to deface property and loiter*. I just now told off a phone operator conducting a political survey!!! Oh yeah! You think I'm lying?! Well, YOU'RE WRONG!! WHHOOOO HAA! Sorry. My rebellious attitude forced me to e-shout at you. But, I DID like the idea of a summer list. It's like a semi-bucket list, minus me dying and all that drama that comes along with the inevitable. So, I think I will now write my own in a very rebellious tone.

1. Number freaking one is sooo awesome, it'll blow off your face because you're stinkin' normal! Whoo! (Just kidding, you're awesome and unique and God loves you very much, and so do I :) ) Number one is to DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! Jones soda. All the flavors. I will do it.
2. Number two is gonna rock! The kind of rock your momma don't let you sissy little wimps listen to!! (Just kidding, your mother is a wonderful woman who just chooses to protect you from today's vulgar music media. Listen to her :) ) Learn seven songs on the ukulele--the most rebellious stringed instrument since the mand-freaking-olin!!
3. Number three is why they invented airport security because this thing is TERRORISM TO AMERICAN COMPLANCENCY! (Just kidding, friendly airport workers. I would never threaten you...I may threaten the guy working at the screen that sees my underwear because he's a perv. But not you :) ) Watch the world's worst movies AND DEAL WITH IT!
4. OOooooh no! It's NUMBER FOUR! Better put on your diapers, you big babies, cause you're gonna be wetting yourself CAUSE YOU'LL BE SCARED SILLY! (Just kidding. Bladder problems is a serious issue that should never be made fun of.) I plan on PLACING GNOMES IN TARGET EVERYTIME I GO UNTIL I GET KICKED OUT!!!! I'm serious.
5. Number five is here to kick your butt! (Just kidding, your butt is safe.) CAMP...IN THE...OUTDOORS! With real-live darkness and REAL LIVE peril!!! I.JUST.WENT.THERE!

Hopefully, I didn't offend anyone with my ripe teenage angst attitude but if I did...GET OVER IT!!!! Just kidding, you don't need to get over it. You can mope all you want. Here's a DVD full of helpful tips to self-loathe. :)

Tea parties to old ladies are the equivalence of a bar to bikers.

Old Movies in Real Life and How to Name Your Baby

My mother has an addiction. No, not tortilla chips and health food, although that is also some of her irregular pastimes. She is addicted to late night old movies. This very second she's watching a movie with James Stewart and Carey Grant (if you know who they are--they're actually pretty good). I noticed that they always seem to have the same dramatic twists and camera fuzziness, but maybe that's how they were back then. What if old movies were a part of everyday life back then, guys? I mean, consider this!

Old woman: "Yes, yes, I'd like to buy some groceries, if you don't mind...*looks up and bats eyelashes* please."
Clerk boy: "That'll be a dollar fifty ma'am...say! Whaddya take me for, a looney? This here is seventy-five cents! Hey, Bill! Get a load of this old hag! She's tryin' to steal some honest money from us!"
Bill: "Now look here, lady....*eyes widen in realization* Bertha?!
Old woman: "Oh, Bill. I knew it was you all along. Marry me, Bill. Marry me and forget the clubs, the avacados, the mula. Let's go off to Wyoming and live among the buffalo!"
Bill: "Now...now...Bertha, you know we can't...I got the store to run and the ...oh, wait the heck! *attacks Bertha with violent kissing techniques*

Maybe that's why Mom likes those movies...for the application to real life...that woman amazes me.

Did you know that some people believe that your name determines your destiny? Like, name meanings were made to determine who you are. Like, for instance, my name would mean "Fair Phantom"...wait a second? Am I destined to be an attractive dead person?! What the heck?!
"Oh, yeah, girl, you sexy."
"Oh, well, yeah, boy, cause, like...I'M FREAKIN' DEAD. Stupid necrophiliacs."
Just kidding. I have a great boyfriend (I hate saying "bf" because I always say it aloud) who thinks I'm pretty :) Apparently, he looks past my afterlife destiny...does that sentence even make SENSE?
I wonder what some random names would mean....let's invent random people's destiny by DADADADADADA COMPUTING!!!!DADADADADADADA

That's right, kiddos, time to take advantage of (giggle) that good old Internet database! Let's plug in some baby names! *theme music*

"Amelia": Rival. So, Amelia would be that fat chick, yeah, that one over there, the one who's beating the snot outta that salesman down the street. But don't worry, she's just doing it to compete with Emilia, who also beat up a teleoperator WHILE ON THE PHONE!

"Landon": From the long hill. Trust me, his mother knows where he's from...they had to drive down "the long hill" to get to the hospital, so she figured she'd make sure her son knew about her physically infuriating car ride with her husband Phil, whose name SHOULD mean: "Lousy Driver When I'm in Labor!!!!"

"Sophie": Wisdom. So remember that, Sophie, at those newfangled college parties with those hooligans and their tricks. You should know what to do ALWAYS because guess what?! You're name is wisdom so use some common sense, Sophie, and STOP PUKING ON THE LAWN! CALL A TAXI! SOPHIE JOHNSON, IF YOU ARE NOT HOME IN TEN MINUTES, YOUR FATHER AND I WILL PERSONALLY TAKE YOU HOME FROM THAT PARTY, YOU HEAR ME?! SOPHIE!!!

"Wyatt": Son of guy. This is seriously made for the stupid people. Of COURSE he was made from a guy and a woman. So yes, he is son of a guy. Not son of turtle and piece of wrapping paper, and Sophie, he'll realize that soon enough, so stop telling him that's where he came from, because, after all, he's son of a guy.


Calzones are really just modest pizzas.

Weird Walks and Failed Attempts

Do you ever walk funny? I sure do. I just caught myself walking like a gay T Rex around my house. Not like I know what they walk like...but if I imagine myself as any dinosaur, gay T Rex would be in the top five.
But seriously, I have noticed a lot of funny walkers lately. Sometimes, I see the hurried walker. You know, that soccer mom at Wal-Mart who is pretty much sprinting just to get some freaking Cheerios. Actually, I saw a Hurried Walker sprint into Quik Trip as if her car was gonna explode if she didn't get some gas into it...is that even possible?
There's someone I know who has "the gait of a determined penguin". Basically, this person throws their arms back and leans forward and marches to wherever they need to go. I laugh all the time, but at least he's not a Gay T Rex Walker.
I am addicted, I admit it. To what exactly? Late Night talk shows. That is the way I learn the news, and no, I am not joking. So, I thought I would take a whack at it and look up some random news and try to make it humorous. Here we go! Quick, Robin, to the Batmobile! DananananananannanananaBATMAN!
Side note: I'm making these all entertainment because everything else is too sad.

Shrek the Fourth or whatever you call it is coming out soon. Is it just me, or is Shrek getting a little old? We've pretty much used every single fairytale character alive. Next we're gonna be making a movie with Shrek going into a nursing home ran by Thumbellina and everything's too tiny for him so he gets Donkey and Puss to have a seance with Baba Yaga to get Fiona back but Fiona comes back as Mickey Mouse and Dreamworks officially gets flushed down the toilet. On an unrelated note: Does anyone remember what the Dreamworks music theme was BEFORE Shrek came out? Because now they strictly use Fiona's song that she sings in the first one, and I don't recall the music before....

Lindsay Lohan got arrested for not showing up for a court date. I think we have started arresting her a long time ago, because, really, she hasn't shown up for any regular date in a long time...like, you know, a date with MEN.

Bret Michaels keeps going in and out of the hospital. I wonder if any of the nurses are skanky and have lip rings. Because then I would understand him going in and out besides health reasons of course.

Ok, that sucked. I am never doing that again! Hopefully a laugh escaped your lips at least once. Chow, babies.

MacGruber is a full length movie made out of a sketch ninety seconds long...SNL is a genius.

Second Chance, HAPPY DANCE!

You know what? I am not gonna quit this blogging. I don't care if anyone reads it, or even if everyone hates it. I have freedom of speech, and I plan on using it, even on a blog. My dream is to be a writer, and if you tell me not to write, you are telling me not to breathe. If someone hates on a post, hey, at least I know someone out there cares about what I say, even if they don't like what I say.

When I was two years old, I would scribble on paper and tell them as stories. I was born for this. I feel happy when I blog, and if someone wants to ruin my happiness, let them try, because from now on, I'M the one who determines whether what I say is right or wrong, and I'M the one who is living MY dream. In the words of Nelson Mandela "I am the captain of my soul" and although CHRIST is the captain of my soul, I plan on being first mate and I plan on living my life the way God intended me to.

I'll blog later to make you laugh, but until then, I want all the haters to know that stick and stones may break my bones, but I've got the floor and you got the mouth to shut. You can say whatever the heck you want to say about me, you can do whatever you please to hurt me, but I am NOT letting go of my dream this easily, like I thought I was earlier. I realized that this is who I am, and if someone doesn't like it, I'm not gonna change for them. The only person I need to please is myself, and that is what I plan on doing.

PUT THAT IN YOUR JUICE BOX AND SUCK IT! :D

Forgiveness, A Recipe for YOU, and Seizure Women

You know what I hate? No, not Mexicans. Just the Chinese. Just kidding! No, what I seriously hate is Forgiveness Fakers. Let me give you an example:

Me: "I'm sorry I offended you and I would like for next time this happens, for us to work it out."

Person: "I forgive you, even though you did THIS wrong, you MUDDLED THIS UP, and you EVEN DID THIS WRONG, WHICH I FOUND IMPOSSIBLE CONSIDERING EVERY HUMAN CAN DO IT EXCEPT YOU, YOU WASTE OF LIFE!!!!...So, yeah, I forgive you, let's forget it.

Forget it? FORGET IT? Seriously, if I ask for forgiveness, that is the point where you put the things that I said aside, take in my genuine apology, and leave it be. I never apologize unless I mean it, because I hate, as I said before, forgiveness fakers. I also don't forgive unless I feel in my heart that I am able to stop dwelling on the hurtful things people say.

Moving on to lighter substances, like Three Musketeers...what is your sugar craving? I will tell you a deep secret that only twelve million people know: When I'm home alone I create a super un-healthy treat just for myself. Would you like the recipe? WELL, THEN! Welcome to cooking at home with Ms. Schweeeeeeettttttooth.

Ms. Schweeeeeeeettttooth: "Hello, and welcome to our show. Today we will be making "Heart Attack Surprise". As we all know, sometimes, your heart feels a little funky after eating sugar straight out of the bag. Which is why we can get surprised when our hearts go "HOLY CRAP I'M GONNA FAIL!!!" *pleasant smile* Today, we'll be ensuring a quicker way to die, so that maybe you know a heart attack is possible. *smiles again and moves towards counter*. First, we start off with strawberries. That way, our mothers will see the missing strawberries and think that we're snacking healthily at home in her absence. *cheery laughter* Boy, is she wrong! Next, grab a whip cream canister and LET 'ER RIP!!! *sprays an entire continent's worth of whipped topping onto strawberries* *giddy laugh that melts into a warm smile* That way, in case the strawberries come alive, they will drown instantly in this fattening white foam of the gods. Then, we take a few tablespoons of brown sugar. *takes a shovel and pours the brown sugar all over the ocean of whipped cream* That should do it. And then finally, crumple up some chocolate and lightly place on top of the entire gooey mess you created. *smiles as she dumps half of Wonka's factory onto the massive sugary goodness* And there you have it, Heart Attack Surprise. "

So, if I ever mysteriously die, it wasn't suicide, it was just me eating a lot of that stuff.

Last note: Soap Operas. I was addicted for a day, but now I'm sober, don't worry. But man, those things are strange. There was this character in one who shook her body like she was having mini seizures. Like, honest to God, this is how it went:

Rebecca: No, Stanley, I don't want to go to your place for prom.

Stanley: *huskily* You must. Or else...the secret will be out.

*dramatic music*

Hairdresser lady" *wiggling and spastically throwing up her hands*: Your tanning bed is ready!!!!!!!! Hot stuff.

She was bizarre, but I started to watch that show just to laugh my face off. By the way, this woman had to be sixty years old.

When I say I want hemp jewelry, I giggle because I want people to think I smoke it.

We Should Throw Unbirthdays

Why can't we all be as cool as "Alice in Wonderland"???? I mean, seriously, they have these unbirthday parties and give each other gifts and sing songs and go crazy over tea. Who wouldn't want presents every day of the year? I think I may just make a rule of thumb to give someone a gift of sorts everyday of the year with an official "Unbirthday" card. Anyone with me? Shortest blog post in the history of My Mother Was a Rose!

A Virtual Diary

I have just hopped off an emotional rollercoaster! I won't give you the dirty details because I feel like my personal life should be private. However, I will say that if you could pray for me to have great trust, patience, and peace I would greatly appreciate it because about twenty zillion things in my life do not seem to be going my way.
Really quick, I just want to give a sort of shout out to my amazing and sweet boyfriend. He is probably the only person who is as crazy as I am (but in a good way) without all the emotional psycho side effects and I just want to thank him with all my heart for dealing with me in this huge shift in my life. I seriously, honestly, truly, deeply, and foreverly love him.
Alright, kiddos, you can remove your faces from your barf bags conveniently located inconveniently for your time of upheaval. The mushy part of the movie is over. NOW FOR SOME BLOOD AND GUTS! *chainsaw ripping in the background and blood splatters onto the screen of your computer* Just joking with you. There is no movie on this flight, folks. Not even those disgusting peanuts or pretzels (pretzels > peanuts any day). I think we'll do something a widdle different this fine night, so sit back and enjoy the turbulence.
You have a secret. No, no, don't worry, I won't tell. Your secret is safe with me, even though I do find it abnormal for you to sleep with a duck plastered to your ears...oh...wait... My point is, EVERYONE has secrets. Even important figures do. Mark Twain probably had a secret, like maybe the secret that he dreamed of NOT being a riverboat captain, but actually a MERMAID and he just lied about it so that we would accept that Twain was from a boating term instead of his secret merman name. Tonight, I will be sharing with you a few secrets of my own and I would love it if you commented back some of yours, because, let's face it, nerds like us need to have a cyber sleepover moment.

SECRET #1: I hide some of my stuffed animals away because they scare me, but not because I think they look creepy. It's because I still partially believe that all my toys have a mind of their own. I know, they really don't, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that they do.
SECRET #2: I still wake my parents up in the middle of the night because I'm scared of the weird noises our house makes.
SECRET #3: I squirm when I watch movies with kissing in them, even though I don't squirm when I get kissed. *blushes* That truly is a good secret haha.
SECRET #4: I save rose petals from funerals and holidays because I know that the people they came from won't last as long as the petals will. I keep the rose petals from my boyfriend in a separate vase because I don't want the petals touching the ones belonging to the dead.
SECRET #5: I am severely superstitious but only to customs I created myself.
SECRET #6: When I was little, I created stories about my numbers as I learned math in school. To this day, I still say the stories in my head to help me with my homework, like "Nine and eight resolved their argument so they agreed to multiply and make seventy-two." I also happen to love the number nine because in my head she's a girl who is quite stubborn and never really listens to people and I find that hilarious.
SECRET #7: I once didn't talk to my sister for a year. That's actually not a secret, but the thing is, my sister never noticed. I was so mad at her for not even noticing that I was gone but I decided to grow up and talk to her even though, to this day, she doesn't realize that an entire year went by without me saying a word. And now I want to stop talking to her again just to see if she's that negligent about me again, but this time, I don't want to talk to be nice.
SECRET #8: I "broke up" with my best friend two weeks ago. I tore down all the photos of her I owned and I try to give away all her gifts or anything that reminds me of her. Everyone is happy that we're no longer friends, but I still fight the urge to call her at least once every two hours.
SECRET #9: I talk to my drawings because I worry that they're just as lonely as I am sometimes.
SECRET #10: I put on expensive clothes and makeup around my girl friends than my boyfriend because I know that they judge me fifty times more than he ever would.

Alright, the secrets are out of me and free in the world and I have to be honest, I'm rather frightened for saying all that. But hopefully, for a change of pace, you realize sometimes I can be serious, and I'm delusional but human. Like all humans, I am jealous, I am angry, I am loving, I am quirky, I am frightened, and most importantly, I am not perfect. Just thought you should know we have THAT in common.


"If you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug"--"All I Want is You" by Barry Louis Polisar