I'm Not Having a Baby

Whenever I make friends with someone, I immediately feel the need to ask the question: WHAT WILL YOU NAME YOUR CHILDREN? I don't really know why, but to me, it's always a really interesting question. But I figured out that 1. Some girls would rather talk about boys and not baby names, which is perfectly normal and I know I'm not normal but at least I'm creative and you just have to sit there looking all pretty when all I have is stupid baby name questions and I know I'm overreacting but...*bursts into tears* haha just kidding :) OR 2. Boys do not want to answer that unless they're married to you. Which is also perfectly understandable.
So, dear Inklings, today I have decided to tell you my baby name ideas, not because I think you'll understand, but because I need SOMEONE to tell them to, and you simply have no choice in the matter. MUAH HA HA HA !

• Milo Alaska--Milo is a cool name for me. When I was little, I misheard a song lyric that went "Let my love open the door to your heart" as "Let Milo open the door to your car". So, now I can still hear the part where it says "Let my love" as "Let Milo". So, to me, "Milo" means "My Love". :) Alaska is for the book I'm reading at the moment, not the state. In the book there is a girl named Alaska who, unfortunately, dies. She was a bit of a bad girl, but she was mysterious, intelligent, and strangely appealing. So, I want to name my daughter after her. :)
• Jack Danger--I have always loved the name "Jack". Mainly is because I consider that name to be a tribute to Tim Burton (his character, Jack Skellington is kind, thoughtful, and fun-loving) and Johnny Depp (Jack Sparrow is amazing). I also love the middle name of "Danger" so that my son can always say "Danger? Ha! Danger...is my middle name!" I expect all my kids to be as weird as me, I think....
• Emilynn Wynter--I used to like the name "Emily". I also love "Emily" from Tim Burton's Corpse Bride, and my favorite babysitter's name was Emily. But everyone knows at least four Emily's. So I added "lynn" to the end. Partially because I like the sound, and partially because one of my best friends has that for a middle name and it sounds awesome. Winter is a beautiful season, but I hate the letter "I" and feel like "Y" should get more facetime.
• Charles McCartney--His name would be shortened to Charlie, which is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which is written by my favorite author. McCartney is for my favorite person. Paul McCartney of the Beatles, who sings all my favorite songs and writes them and I couldn't live the way I do today without him as a major inspiration.
  
• Violet Wisteria--Violet is from A Series of Unfortunate Events, who is an intelligent girl who loves her family passionately. Violet is also from The Incredibles who is sorta shy, but spunky underneath. It's also a color of purple, which I love. Wisteria just sounds amazing, there's no story behind it. BUT the two names combined is the name of my first successful character I've ever written. Unfortunately, she was in a very lame story, so I just want to name my kid that now. :)

Other random names I enjoy:
Ben
Atticus
Zeke
Xavier
Jonah
Renaissance
Ember
Willow
Marylen (combination of my grandparents' names)

SO, what names do YOU enjoy? Maybe we can be weird together! Sorry if this post bored any of you, I just had to get the secret out! :D

Ways that I am an Epic Fail/ Why You Should Hire Me

I realized two things the other day: 1. I focus on the negatives of people too much and 2. I never place the negativity on myself. So, today I shall be telling you FIVE WAYS I AM AN EPIC FAIL. Don't try to contradict me about it. All of these reasons are true and legit and there's no denying it, so if you try to argue about it, well...you're just a polite and sweet looney bin.

1. I am still afraid of the dark. And yes, I know, everyone says that. But my fear has escalated as I've grown older. My fear has become more complex than five-year old me. Now, instead of a monster may be in my closet, it's turned into "Maybe some Japanese demon will rip off my jaw if I step into this dark hallway...." or "Gosh, maybe in that darkened bathroom there's some sorta cannibal or masked child-killer....better just sleep on the couch again." So, I am a fail when it comes to my vivid imagination and the dark combining and having a baby of horror.
2. I cannot save money up to ten dollars. When I finally earn enough single dollars bills and quarters to equal to a double-digit figure, I have to spend it. I have to. If I see ten dollars, I am grabbing it and heading out shopping and no one can stop me. So if you ever want to give me money to go into savings, give to my mom, or else you'll see me with a whole bunch of tee shirts the next day.
3. I can't lie. Now, stop. I am aware that this usually isn't a fail. I am also aware that you think I'm lying. Both are untrue. Maybe an occasional evading of the truth, but never blatant lying. And this is bad. I know, it's good, but it ends up bad. For instance, say my mom got home and looked in the cookie jar. She'd ask me "Did you eat all these cookies?" and I would have to say "Yes, I'm a fat pig." Then, I would get grounded. It's like there's a little leprechaun inside of me who stabs me in the gut if I try to formulate a lie. So I just tell the truth, and I fail at trying to lie.
4. I am a terrible cook. Worse than any woman before me who has claimed to be one. I can ruin childishly easy meals as well as botch up any complex ones. Macaroni and Cheese? I always either: add too much milk, to little milk, forget to drain the water, forget the cheese packet, put too much butter, burn the noodles, throw the noodles down the drain on accident, and so on. Cereal? I always put the milk first, then the cereal flies in the air and the milk splatters on the ground. Peanut butter and jelly? Too much peanut butter resulting in a total mouth paralysis or too much jelly to cause the infamous pucker face of eating something totally too sweet. I fail at cooking more than anyone else in the world.
5. I can quote all the Justin Bieber songs. Enough said. I fail at music taste.

Now that I've ragged on myself significantly, I can now go on and tell you what sorta thing I would put on my resume to get hired to an awesome job.

These are my past jobs:

• Avid abstract finger painter
• Nature smeller enthusiast
  
• Interpreter for the slurry in speech
• Washing machine spelunker
• Executioner for dead flowers
• Sound FX Crew Member for funerals/standardized testing sessions/ silent prayer time

And that all boils down to: I like to finger paint but I'm bad at it. I like to smell trees, smoke, and grass...not like I'm smoking grass, but like I like the grass in the ground and I like smoke from a bonfire.... I can understand people who mumble too much. I climb in washing machines when I'm sad or rebellious. I pop the heads off of marigold plants. And I laugh or snort during times of great seriousness.

Scraps and Tailbones and All That Jazz in Between Your Bellybutton

That title scared you, didn't it? That's okay. Don't worry about it. It only means that your universe as you know it is about to be so funkified that your poodles will be tye-dyed.

You know how females and even some males have songs with their names in it? You have to have a poetic sounding name for those sorta songs. I mean, you cannot have a love song written about you if your name is:

1. Hortensia
2. Gertrude
3. Vladimir
   
4. Adolf
5. Sigmund
6. Reginald
7. Bertha
8. Edna
9. Gladys
10. Elmer.

When someone says "props" as in "thanks", I always want to throw random hats/ foam noodles at them and scream back "TAKE THE PROPS!"


If you pronounce the initials of My Mother Was a Rose it sounds like a kissy noise mixed with a growl. That depicts my blog pretty well.

John Mayer is coming to town tomorrow night. Beautiful, attractive, talented John Mayer. And everyone won't stop talking about it. Which is why I am printing 32 pictures of him, taping them to my wall and blasting my live album of his. TAKE THAT YOU RICH KIDS WHO CAN AFFORD CONCERTS!!!

When boys become obsessed with anime, they put that in the place of ever getting a dignified girlfriend. And when you do that, well...I do not want to talk about your imaginary manga girlfriend. Ever. Those luscious brown locks? Yeah, they're not real.

Unusual Sympathy for Pregnant Teens and the Aftermath

Life is hard when you're a teen mom. You have diapers, judgmental people, and crying surround your everyday life. But strangely, this isn't the main reason why I sympathize for them the most. Sure, all of those are MAJOR bad, and yes, they made the bad decision first (unless aliens impregnated them...that sorta thing you can't prevent), but there's an issue about them that we as Americans need to help them with.
Teen girls who had babies cannot form a legitimate conversation.

I have this old friend on Facebook, right? That one friend that you knew from elementary school and considered to be alright enough to be Facebook-friend-official. Well, I had heard she had had a youngin, which is heartbreaking because, well, she was a sweet girl, and she's about a year and a half younger than me. Very sad. Even more strange though, was that she popped up on my IM and decided to say hello. Now, that's not too weird, except it got weird when the conversation went a little like this:
TeenMommy: Hey! I think I saw you at Wal-Mart yesterday!
PinkHairedGirl: Yeah, I think I saw you too! You looked good! :D (in my head: especially after giving birth...)
TeenMommy: Thanks! So what's up?
PinkHairedGirl: Not much, just bummin' on Facebook. You??
Teen Mommy: ....FEEDING MY CHILD!!!!.....
PinkHairedGirl: ....That's cool....wish I had...a....baby?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT! It's like, I'm here, trying to catch up with you, and BAM you have to one-up me with childbirth. Thanks a lot. Now telling you I dyed my hair with Sharpies is gonna sound totally not weird. You teen moms, you get it all. The reality shows? Check. The cute baby? Check. The poopsies? Oh wait a minute, I gues I'M getting the one up there, aren't I? Heck yes.

In all seriousness, though, I really feel bad for this girl. I also feel bad about her lack of conversational skill.

Forced "Moments"

*looks longingly into your eyes* Hey there. I know, you're eating that sloppy-joe sandwich...but baby, I just gotta tell ya...I'm having a baby right this very second.

Don't you hate when dramatic people try to force a moment on you? It's got to be the most awkward feeling in the world. You're sitting down, listening to a story, when all of a sudden, people tell you to stand up and sing. What? I'm in the middle of doing something...why am I singing all of a sudden? What would happen if this happened in every day occurrences?

Bill: Hey, Jeff, I'm gonna need those files at my desk--
Jeff: AMAZING GRACE! HOW SWEET THE SOUND! SING IT WITH ME, BILL!
Bill: Wha...what? Jeff, I'm telling you that if you don't get those files to me, I'm gonna have to--
Jeff: SILENT NIGHT!!! HOOOLY NIGHT!!! ALL IS CALM!!! ALL IS BRIGHT!!! FEEL THE MOMENT, BILL? DO YA FEEL IT?!
Bill: Jeff! Stop singing! I'm trying to tell you something important--
Jeff: I GOT THE JOY-JOY-JOY-JOY DOWN IN MY HEART! WHERE?! DOWN IN MY HEART! WHERE?!
Bill: You're fired.
Jeff: Whew! Finally.

I went to a youth retreat this weekend and all I got from it was forced "moments". I was sitting listening to a Bible story, when all of a sudden, BAM! I'm singing a song. Then...BAM! I'm listening to why life is like a train (complete with a powerpoint presentation consisting of photos that are not related to trains). After that BAM! I'm making a pledge. What the heck? Choose just ONE activity! Don't be throwing around my attention like a waterballoon!
Then, we had to all go get stickers that were heart-shaped and represented "The Heart of God". I'm pretty sure I don't need to be getting a paper/adhesive concoction to get the heart of God, just saying. But what's worse, is that this boy was crying with emotion (apparently the forced moment worked for him, which is great, seriously. I'm seriously glad) and this girl went to hug him when, out of the darkness came...THE MOMENT PHOTOGRAPHER! That obnoxious old man who thinks it's totally okay to blind you with the flash when he takes a picture of a strictly intimate moment! Way to expose an actual moment! Seriously, what is up with the obnoxious photographers? You have them everywhere--birthdays, revivals, weddings...what would happen in everday life with THEM?

Bill: So, I fired Jeff for singing at work today.
Bill's wife: I'm glad, honey. You must have had a rough day. *rubs Bill's shoulders*
Photographer: I NEED MORE EMOTION! RUB HIS SHOULDER TO THE LEFT AND MAKE ME A SASSY FACE! BILL! BILL, BABE, YOU GOTTA LOOSEN UP YOUR EYES!!! GIVE ME A WHOLE BRITNEY SPEARS LOOK, HONEY! OKAY? OKAY! WATCH OUT, HERE COMES THE FLASH!!! *blinds everyone into annoyance*

This world needs more moments without obnoxious photographers and stickers with too big of meaning.

Feel the Motivation

Hallo hello hillo hollo hullo and sometimes hyllo! Miss me baby? Of course you did. I got this for you *presents roses made of diamonds*. Just letting you know I think of you often. What? You say you're ALLERGIC to diamonds!? Then don't rub your face on the ros---too late.


Have you ever seen strange religious/motivational posters? You know, the one with the polar bear walking down a random road with the serenity prayer written down the side in cute fonts? What does that have to do with anything? Motivational posters are just plain built to be laughed at, not to feel enlightened by. I've created a few for your motivational mockery.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity"-Edgar Allan Poe

"I'm gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked"--Jimi Hendrix


"An actress is not a machine, but they treat you like a machine. A money machine"--Marilyn Monroe


Did you get motivated? Did you?! DID YOU?!?!?! FEEL THE MOTIVATION IN YOUR OPENED PORES!!!!

Treating Your Friends

Why do little kids get the awesomest clothes of all time? I just saw some Dr. Suess Converse. What is this heresy!? I'm gonna go into Kohls one mid-afternoon(best time of the day) and remove all the kiddie clothes and swap them for the anorexic skanky prostitute outfits they shove in my section. I would love to see their little faces alight and then falter and then cross into the familiar expression of horror I have when I shop there. "Why does this tee shirt tell me I'm a brat? And why is it as tight as skin? Better yet, why can't I even fit this stick into it?!"
So, I've been having a pretty bad day. And I was being a bit selfish, and I was like "How can my day get better?" It's okay to be a bit selfish once and awhile, but mainly, you need to worry your little tootie-frootie skull about other hooligans like yourself. So, this is how you can make THEIR day happy but your day splendiferous as well (maybe they'll return the favor!):

1. Bring them cookies. Be sure not to poison them, due to the fact that 1 out of 1 poisoned cookies result in death.
2. Invite them over to talk about their issues over some lemonade (it's a perky drink and colorful) and coloring books. Be sure not to slice open their eyes with paper cuts, due to the fact that it's proven sliced-open eyeballs hurt. Immensely.
   
3. Give them a friendly phone call. Be sure not to threaten and/or ransom them over the phone, due to the fact that this can make one feel like their life is on the line or that their life is only equal to $1,000,000.
4. Take them shopping. Be sure not to go grave robbing, due to the fact that grave robbing is illegal and very hard to pull off with someone who is crying in fear.
5. Take them to a movie. Be sure not to show them a movie you filmed of you torturing bunnies, due to the fact that THE BUNNIES WILL TURN INTO ZOMBIES AND EAT YOU AND THE SAD PERSON.

Hopefully, now you know how to treat your friends...and even you enemies. Did you catch that subliminal message? Talk about genius, right?


If fairy is another word for gay man, then what does that make a leprechaun?