Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Treating Your Friends

Why do little kids get the awesomest clothes of all time? I just saw some Dr. Suess Converse. What is this heresy!? I'm gonna go into Kohls one mid-afternoon(best time of the day) and remove all the kiddie clothes and swap them for the anorexic skanky prostitute outfits they shove in my section. I would love to see their little faces alight and then falter and then cross into the familiar expression of horror I have when I shop there. "Why does this tee shirt tell me I'm a brat? And why is it as tight as skin? Better yet, why can't I even fit this stick into it?!"
So, I've been having a pretty bad day. And I was being a bit selfish, and I was like "How can my day get better?" It's okay to be a bit selfish once and awhile, but mainly, you need to worry your little tootie-frootie skull about other hooligans like yourself. So, this is how you can make THEIR day happy but your day splendiferous as well (maybe they'll return the favor!):

  1. Bring them cookies. Be sure not to poison them, due to the fact that 1 out of 1 poisoned cookies result in death.
  2. Invite them over to talk about their issues over some lemonade (it's a perky drink and colorful) and coloring books. Be sure not to slice open their eyes with paper cuts, due to the fact that it's proven sliced-open eyeballs hurt. Immensely.
  3. Give them a friendly phone call. Be sure not to threaten and/or ransom them over the phone, due to the fact that this can make one feel like their life is on the line or that their life is only equal to $1,000,000.
  4. Take them shopping. Be sure not to go grave robbing, due to the fact that grave robbing is illegal and very hard to pull off with someone who is crying in fear.
  5. Take them to a movie. Be sure not to show them a movie you filmed of you torturing bunnies, due to the fact that THE BUNNIES WILL TURN INTO ZOMBIES AND EAT YOU AND THE SAD PERSON.
Hopefully, now you know how to treat your friends...and even you enemies. Did you catch that subliminal message? Talk about genius, right?


If fairy is another word for gay man, then what does that make a leprechaun?

2 comments:

Lend me an echo?