Ways that I am an Epic Fail/ Why You Should Hire Me

I realized two things the other day: 1. I focus on the negatives of people too much and 2. I never place the negativity on myself. So, today I shall be telling you FIVE WAYS I AM AN EPIC FAIL. Don't try to contradict me about it. All of these reasons are true and legit and there's no denying it, so if you try to argue about it, well...you're just a polite and sweet looney bin.

1. I am still afraid of the dark. And yes, I know, everyone says that. But my fear has escalated as I've grown older. My fear has become more complex than five-year old me. Now, instead of a monster may be in my closet, it's turned into "Maybe some Japanese demon will rip off my jaw if I step into this dark hallway...." or "Gosh, maybe in that darkened bathroom there's some sorta cannibal or masked child-killer....better just sleep on the couch again." So, I am a fail when it comes to my vivid imagination and the dark combining and having a baby of horror.
2. I cannot save money up to ten dollars. When I finally earn enough single dollars bills and quarters to equal to a double-digit figure, I have to spend it. I have to. If I see ten dollars, I am grabbing it and heading out shopping and no one can stop me. So if you ever want to give me money to go into savings, give to my mom, or else you'll see me with a whole bunch of tee shirts the next day.
3. I can't lie. Now, stop. I am aware that this usually isn't a fail. I am also aware that you think I'm lying. Both are untrue. Maybe an occasional evading of the truth, but never blatant lying. And this is bad. I know, it's good, but it ends up bad. For instance, say my mom got home and looked in the cookie jar. She'd ask me "Did you eat all these cookies?" and I would have to say "Yes, I'm a fat pig." Then, I would get grounded. It's like there's a little leprechaun inside of me who stabs me in the gut if I try to formulate a lie. So I just tell the truth, and I fail at trying to lie.
4. I am a terrible cook. Worse than any woman before me who has claimed to be one. I can ruin childishly easy meals as well as botch up any complex ones. Macaroni and Cheese? I always either: add too much milk, to little milk, forget to drain the water, forget the cheese packet, put too much butter, burn the noodles, throw the noodles down the drain on accident, and so on. Cereal? I always put the milk first, then the cereal flies in the air and the milk splatters on the ground. Peanut butter and jelly? Too much peanut butter resulting in a total mouth paralysis or too much jelly to cause the infamous pucker face of eating something totally too sweet. I fail at cooking more than anyone else in the world.
5. I can quote all the Justin Bieber songs. Enough said. I fail at music taste.

Now that I've ragged on myself significantly, I can now go on and tell you what sorta thing I would put on my resume to get hired to an awesome job.

These are my past jobs:

• Avid abstract finger painter
• Nature smeller enthusiast
  
• Interpreter for the slurry in speech
• Washing machine spelunker
• Executioner for dead flowers
• Sound FX Crew Member for funerals/standardized testing sessions/ silent prayer time

And that all boils down to: I like to finger paint but I'm bad at it. I like to smell trees, smoke, and grass...not like I'm smoking grass, but like I like the grass in the ground and I like smoke from a bonfire.... I can understand people who mumble too much. I climb in washing machines when I'm sad or rebellious. I pop the heads off of marigold plants. And I laugh or snort during times of great seriousness.