Forced "Moments"

*looks longingly into your eyes* Hey there. I know, you're eating that sloppy-joe sandwich...but baby, I just gotta tell ya...I'm having a baby right this very second.

Don't you hate when dramatic people try to force a moment on you? It's got to be the most awkward feeling in the world. You're sitting down, listening to a story, when all of a sudden, people tell you to stand up and sing. What? I'm in the middle of doing something...why am I singing all of a sudden? What would happen if this happened in every day occurrences?

Bill: Hey, Jeff, I'm gonna need those files at my desk--
Jeff: AMAZING GRACE! HOW SWEET THE SOUND! SING IT WITH ME, BILL!
Bill: Wha...what? Jeff, I'm telling you that if you don't get those files to me, I'm gonna have to--
Jeff: SILENT NIGHT!!! HOOOLY NIGHT!!! ALL IS CALM!!! ALL IS BRIGHT!!! FEEL THE MOMENT, BILL? DO YA FEEL IT?!
Bill: Jeff! Stop singing! I'm trying to tell you something important--
Jeff: I GOT THE JOY-JOY-JOY-JOY DOWN IN MY HEART! WHERE?! DOWN IN MY HEART! WHERE?!
Bill: You're fired.
Jeff: Whew! Finally.

I went to a youth retreat this weekend and all I got from it was forced "moments". I was sitting listening to a Bible story, when all of a sudden, BAM! I'm singing a song. Then...BAM! I'm listening to why life is like a train (complete with a powerpoint presentation consisting of photos that are not related to trains). After that BAM! I'm making a pledge. What the heck? Choose just ONE activity! Don't be throwing around my attention like a waterballoon!
Then, we had to all go get stickers that were heart-shaped and represented "The Heart of God". I'm pretty sure I don't need to be getting a paper/adhesive concoction to get the heart of God, just saying. But what's worse, is that this boy was crying with emotion (apparently the forced moment worked for him, which is great, seriously. I'm seriously glad) and this girl went to hug him when, out of the darkness came...THE MOMENT PHOTOGRAPHER! That obnoxious old man who thinks it's totally okay to blind you with the flash when he takes a picture of a strictly intimate moment! Way to expose an actual moment! Seriously, what is up with the obnoxious photographers? You have them everywhere--birthdays, revivals, weddings...what would happen in everday life with THEM?

Bill: So, I fired Jeff for singing at work today.
Bill's wife: I'm glad, honey. You must have had a rough day. *rubs Bill's shoulders*
Photographer: I NEED MORE EMOTION! RUB HIS SHOULDER TO THE LEFT AND MAKE ME A SASSY FACE! BILL! BILL, BABE, YOU GOTTA LOOSEN UP YOUR EYES!!! GIVE ME A WHOLE BRITNEY SPEARS LOOK, HONEY! OKAY? OKAY! WATCH OUT, HERE COMES THE FLASH!!! *blinds everyone into annoyance*

This world needs more moments without obnoxious photographers and stickers with too big of meaning.

Feel the Motivation

Hallo hello hillo hollo hullo and sometimes hyllo! Miss me baby? Of course you did. I got this for you *presents roses made of diamonds*. Just letting you know I think of you often. What? You say you're ALLERGIC to diamonds!? Then don't rub your face on the ros---too late.


Have you ever seen strange religious/motivational posters? You know, the one with the polar bear walking down a random road with the serenity prayer written down the side in cute fonts? What does that have to do with anything? Motivational posters are just plain built to be laughed at, not to feel enlightened by. I've created a few for your motivational mockery.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity"-Edgar Allan Poe

"I'm gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked"--Jimi Hendrix


"An actress is not a machine, but they treat you like a machine. A money machine"--Marilyn Monroe


Did you get motivated? Did you?! DID YOU?!?!?! FEEL THE MOTIVATION IN YOUR OPENED PORES!!!!

Treating Your Friends

Why do little kids get the awesomest clothes of all time? I just saw some Dr. Suess Converse. What is this heresy!? I'm gonna go into Kohls one mid-afternoon(best time of the day) and remove all the kiddie clothes and swap them for the anorexic skanky prostitute outfits they shove in my section. I would love to see their little faces alight and then falter and then cross into the familiar expression of horror I have when I shop there. "Why does this tee shirt tell me I'm a brat? And why is it as tight as skin? Better yet, why can't I even fit this stick into it?!"
So, I've been having a pretty bad day. And I was being a bit selfish, and I was like "How can my day get better?" It's okay to be a bit selfish once and awhile, but mainly, you need to worry your little tootie-frootie skull about other hooligans like yourself. So, this is how you can make THEIR day happy but your day splendiferous as well (maybe they'll return the favor!):

1. Bring them cookies. Be sure not to poison them, due to the fact that 1 out of 1 poisoned cookies result in death.
2. Invite them over to talk about their issues over some lemonade (it's a perky drink and colorful) and coloring books. Be sure not to slice open their eyes with paper cuts, due to the fact that it's proven sliced-open eyeballs hurt. Immensely.
   
3. Give them a friendly phone call. Be sure not to threaten and/or ransom them over the phone, due to the fact that this can make one feel like their life is on the line or that their life is only equal to $1,000,000.
4. Take them shopping. Be sure not to go grave robbing, due to the fact that grave robbing is illegal and very hard to pull off with someone who is crying in fear.
5. Take them to a movie. Be sure not to show them a movie you filmed of you torturing bunnies, due to the fact that THE BUNNIES WILL TURN INTO ZOMBIES AND EAT YOU AND THE SAD PERSON.

Hopefully, now you know how to treat your friends...and even you enemies. Did you catch that subliminal message? Talk about genius, right?


If fairy is another word for gay man, then what does that make a leprechaun?

Boys, Training to be Dead, and Exclamations

Biggest phobia of all time: Calling boys. Oh.My.Gosh. You males...you're so intimidating with your deep voices and home phones that can be answered by even MORE deep voices. Pssh, you guys have no idea what you put us ladies through. I'm gonna answer the phone with a deep voice and see how YOU like it...but then again, you may just think I'm a drag queen who stole some sweet, innocent teenager's cell phone. Which, of course, makes me wanna try to be a man on the phone even more.

I hate my school. It's like walking into a funeral home and staring into a coffin. You see someone looking better than they actually ever looked. They look serene, peaceful, and wise beyond their years. But on the inside...they're dead. Dead to everyone. They cannot live any longer, but they stay in their shiny coffin with their permanent knowing smiles. That is my school.
My school boasts of being a "college" prep course. If college is a great way to suck out every ounce of love for learning out of me, call me a hobo and let me live in a van. My school gives me the education of a snobby rich heir. I learn Latin, Logic, Art, Biology, and math that I can't understand. Latin and Biology are fine. They're even sorta fun. But Art is a bunch of petty Christian wackos claiming that THEY know real art and that anyone who isn't a Christian or doesn't paint like a Christian is a moron, full of hell-bent knowledge and lust. Get over yourselves. I know I seem like I don't stick up for God, but really, I'm pretty sure God gave every artist a gift, and if the way they use it isn't satisfactory to your high standards, you snob machines, then shut up and move to the next piece in your expensive museums.
My school is full of midgets. Not in the physical sense, but that they're small adults. I get told to be QUIET by a kid who's laughing harder than I am. I get looked at strange if I say something that they're not used to. I'm considered stupid if I don't understand something yet or if I want to laugh and smile. I'm serious, this place is a funeral home.
The kids have discussions that not only are extremely biased, but made for eighty year old drunk men on a front porch. They criticize our entire society. There is definitely things I don't like about society, but having kids who don't even know what life is like outside of Oklahoma say that our world is a living hell is appalling. Be a little enthusiastic. We're young, we're healthy, we're alive. Dance in the streets and rejoice like David did for the Lord, because guess what? We are in the best country in the WORLD, we have options others don't, and we are TEENAGERS.

Don't you ever look around? Don't you see the beauty that God has placed at every corner? Colours brighter than paint could ever capture? People full of love and laughter? Tiny moments that make you smile? Can't you open your closed eyes and see the wonderful thing we have called life? Life is a gift, that's why we call it the present.


Best Things to Shout at Strangers in a Super-Market:

• YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
• NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!
• DAD?! DAD?!?!
• YEAH, WELL, I HAVE SEVEN TOES! SO BEAT THAT!
• THEY JUST LET ME OUT OF THE ASYLUM TODAY! SAY YOU'RE HAPPY FOR ME!!!
• TREES HATE YOU!!
  

Butterfly Killer

So, school's in like my bellybutton. There are some great-seeming people around and I hope I can be their friends, because this is why: I go to school in a nut-house. I'm not joking you. This is no, "Hey, I'm a little weird but socially acceptable" nut-house school. This is "Give me a crowbar to defend myself against these people!" type of nut-house school. I kid you not, I listened to a ten-minute conversation on the great ways to crack the human skull. Strangest part? This little orator of terror was wearing a bright blue blouse, wearing bright sparkly blue nail polish, and had huge blue butterflies etched across her navy blue messenger bag. Killer had never been so chic.

Seriously, what kind of demented kid are you if you have to tell me about how you get in fist fights, but all the while, are slinging around a purse-bag full of Earth's favorite insects? You're just as threatening as a three year old with a broken nerf gun. Better yet...you are as menacing as a teddy bear with a plastic sword covered in bright blue butterflies.

The homework is pretty hard, and I'm procrastinating it this very second. But oh well! Because honestly, I'll never use this homework in my life. I will NEVER need to know why Christian art is better than secular art (which, I disbelieve). I will NEVER need to know how to classify animals, do algebra, or better yet, I will NEVER need to know Latin. EVER.

But oh well, I'll be fine. Tonight I am pretending to be emo and going to a screamo concert alone...this'll be life threatening. >:)

How to Bring Color into Your School Year

Last post I told you my opinion on how education cramps your style and opinions. But I did offer a solution and that was to bring color and break rules. Here's a few things that may help you get along.

Ways to Colour Your School Supplies:

• Plaster comic book pages to your notebooks and folders
• Draw mustaches on all your erasers
• Fill your binder full of photographs
• Buy a crossword puzzle book. Everyday, tear off a page and stick in your lunch bag/backpack. Pull out for lunch time and begin solving. This will create a great conversation boost.
• Tie ribbons to the end of your pen/Draw on your pen with multi-coloured sharpies
  
• Go to small grocery stores. They're dirt cheap. Pick out a dozen random folders.
  
• Post pictures of ugly people/dogs/cats/buildings in your locker instead of the same-old-same-old celebrity crush pictures.

Ways to Brighten Other Miserable Student's Day:

1. Pass out Hawaaiian leis. Not on a hot day, but in the middle of winter.
2. Draw NICE not mean pictures and throw them into random lockers.
3. Bring cookies at lunch for everyone to share.
4. Pass out strange key chains and say to random people "Vote for Pedro" as you hand them one.
5. Although they're not students, lunch ladies have a terrible time of things, too. So wink flirtatiously at one as you pick up that Jell-O!

Way to Stay Sane and Happy During the Year:

• Does your literature assignment have a movie? Rent it and watch it. It may help you understand the book better, plus it's fun and doesn't hurt your brain.
• Chew gum in class. If that's not allowed, buy a butt load of mints.
• Wear 3D glasses one day to get people to laugh and you to feel cool.
• A little weekend $hopping makes cents to everyone ;)
• Rent random CD's from the library to listen to while doing your homework.
• Ride your bike when you get home from school. It clears your head and is healthy for you.
• When school is over, go into a bathroom and change into a silly outfit. Pray to God your mother drives you to Wal-Mart after school.
  

Pancakes are jealous of cupcake's curves.

A Desperate Request

School is the place that creativity goes to die. Dramatic? Yes, of course it is. But it is most definitely, above all things, TRUE.
When you begin school, you get a new and sparkly teacher with rosy cheeks and an imagination full of rainbows and sunshine. You get to read stories full of adventure and hope. You go to field trips where they let you participate in something that can only be described as magical. You get to color huge papers with your own two hands that have vibrant shades on each finger. You get to dress up and go to worlds unknown or times untraveled. But when you grow older, they swap your teacher for an old woman with narrow eyes and a permanent frown. They assign you to papers longer than most should be about things that bore you to tears. They want you to learn useless facts you'll never use in life, and when you find a dream you wish to pursue, they pass it off as hogwash and tomfoolery. Your books no longer consist of fairies and pirates and strange planets, but instead long-winded fiction coated in deep political meanings. You have to write essays in one color: BLACK. No longer in your own hand, but by a time-consuming computer. History of hate and war is bound tightly together in a large, small print text book that is older than your parents. Your field trips are to places that reek of dust and unhappiness as you follow the strict "No Touch" rule and meander through hallways full of boring art that means nothing to you.
School is so close to Nazism nowadays. They fill your head with information and opinions that are far from your own, but promise to destroy your future if you don't participate in their standards of education. They take away the things that you love--the things that you ARE. You're not allowed to listen to your iPod in class. Not even the radio. You can't doodle in the margins of your homework. No socializing with others around you.

School is the place where creativity goes to die. But we can change that. Promise me that this year, you'll break a few rules. Laugh in class. Doodle. Slip your iPod beneath your hoodie. Pass notes. Don't let them tell you who to be. Learn and be respectful, but don't lose yourself.

Also, bring a box of crayons to class. Bring color into the ominous grey.

School, Flea Markets, and Minimentaries.

Well, folks, school is about to begin and I'm more scared than anything in this whole wide world. I look at my schedule and I see disaster clear in front of me like one of those creepy gravel country roads no one likes to drive down at night. What do I have?

1. Latin. A dead language. Is this an omen? I believe so. Not just kid Latin either. Like, heavy metal, thickly bound textbook Latin. Never before had I hated a book so much.
2. Biology. The study of life. Or, the study of some Christian quack who got expelled from teaching, wrote their own textbook, and has to connect EVERYTHING to God. I love God. Seriously, I love Him so much. But the thing is, I just wanna learn about photosynthesis, not the reason why God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden and how in the world that connects to photosynthesis. My escape? I downloaded a They Might Be Giants album called "Here Comes Science!" just so that I can actually have some FUN. I'll tell ya which tracks to download.
3. Algebra 2. It's the scary sequel to Algebra 1.
4. Literature. I love love love books. I was caught at a used book store touching the binding and going "Oh. Oh my gosh. Lovely!" over and over again. But Literature this year? Beowulf. AKA The Most Boring Action Novel ever. Fantastic.
5. Debate. I am sick of arguing in day-to-day life and I sure as pickles do not wanna be doing this with teenagers with a buttload of paper to memorize.

So, yes, in answer to your mind's question: Homeschool is fancier than ketchup and just as disgusting without any salty fries.

THINGS I BOUGHT AT A FLEA MARKET!!!:

• Nail polish. Three brand new bottles and they cost how much??? three bucks. SCORE! The colors?: Taxicab yellow, Liquid Moon Silver, and Vintage Pink. I made up those names, by the way.
• Suspenders. From the forties. Eight bucks. I hope whoever owned them isn't dead, because I sure as heck don't want haunted suspenders.
• Marbles. Glass. Pretty. Awesome. What more can I type?
• Bracelet. Made of buttons and buttons alone. Thrifty and nifty and omgness awesome.
• A heart made of stone. Now I can say "I HAVE A HEART MADE OF STONE!"
• Old keys. ^^

SO, today was awesome.

DOCUMENTARIES I WANT TO FILM: (comment if you would like to help)

1. The effects of makeup to girl's self esteem.
2. Adventures in Tulsa: Finding Treasures in Boredom Land.
3. Local bands
4. Living Life @ Random

Superheroes could very well be gay. Just look at their tights.

COMING NEXT POST: Ways to boost your school supplies for less than $5

My Life in Lyrics

I mentioned in the previous post that sometimes I can't talk about what I'm feeling, but I think it's safe to put what I'm feeling in lyrics, so here is a few lyrics depicting my life at the moment. If you have any lyrics that describe your feelings, I would encourage you to post them as comments :)

"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey, if you stay, you'll be forgiven."--"Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance

"You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter. A hard candy with a surprise center...when I'm with him, I am thinking of you."--"Thinking of You" by Katy Perry

"Maybe if my heart stops beating/it wont hurt this much/and never will I have to/answer again to anyone/please don't get me wrong/because I’ll never let this go/but I can't find the words to tell you/I don't want to be alone/but now I feel like I don't know you oh"--"Let This Go" by Paramore

"Yet I wrote the words to the swan song. The author of the wrong. And I said what I said and I meant it. But now I regret it." --"Swan Song" by A Fine Frenzy

The Tales Derived from Forum

I have had one heck of a bad week. This isn't an excuse, this is an explanation. I had serious boy drama that I can't even speak the TRUTH about to anyone. I went to Frontier City (a theme park) in over 100 degrees while babysitting two kids that were younger than me (by a year.). I got sick when I got home. So, I didn't write, but come on, can you blame me?

So, I just Facebooked a status saying "WHAT SHOULD I BLOG ABOUT?"
Answer: Life according to a whale named Dingy.
So, here is what many great thinkers call "The Dingy Thingy Theorem of Life, Happiness, and Blubber".

When one is a young aquatic mammal, you start to think. And when you think, the thoughts blossom all through the ocean. You begin to think: "Hey, why am I settling for krill?" and "Hey, why must I communicate through deep guttural sounds?" The answer? You have no idea. So you question your life, and Mama Whale notices. She cries "Dingy! Why must you question the whale way of life? Why must you live so oddly?" Your answer? You have no idea. But you do things the odd way. You prefer peanut butter instead of small, microscopic organisms. You have a taste of literary genius, so you read Hemingway for fun. You even have the nerve to begin a rock group called "Endangered Feces" which causes a great stir among the pod. The pod leader says "Dingy! Why must you upset the natural balance for whale-kind? Peanut butter isn't healthy for your digestive system! You're physically unable to read! And your music is so obscene! Why are you doing this to us?" Your answer: You have no idea. Until one day, you get caught by an illegal whaling group. They capture you and pull you onto the deck of the large boat they own. You look at them for a long while and finally pour your heart out in song. A song written by Endangered Feces called "My Mother Hooked Up with a Seal". The fellow crewman look at you in wonder and amazement. They feed you peanut butter. Someone hands you a worn copy of "The Old Man and the Sea". Then...they put you in a circus. So, the answer to life is this, according to Dingy the Whale: Do whatever the krill you want...just expect to be considered a freak for it.

Next answer: Crazy Old Women

Crazy Old Women are a tough breed to handle. Most can be lured into your home by using the following items: Large cats with names like "Tabby" and "Skittles", peanut butter cookies, crocheted pillows, and old re-runs of Andy Griffith. If successfully trapped, Crazy Old Women can do the following for you at no charge: Complain about your generation, rant about the lack of tapioca in the place, or sew you a nice scarf you'll never use.

Next answer: The epic battle between dinosaurs and ninja in alternate endings.

*ninja pulls out ninja stars and throws them at dinosaur*
*dinosaur wails in frustration and pain*
*ninja flips off tree, lands on dinosaur, and delivers several painful karate-chops to its skull*
*dinosaur chomps on tree with annoyance*
*ninja whips out nun-chucks and smacks the dinosaur in the eye*
*dinosaur eats the ninja*
THE END.
~alternate ending~
*ninja pulls out ninja stars and throws them at dinosaur*
*Justin Bieberasaurus comes out from behind and uses his high pitched squeals*
*Ninja faints in horror and extreme annoyance*
*Dinosaur eats the ninja. Then he eats Justin Bieberasaurus*

QUICK THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
1. Emo girls adding "asaurus" to the end of their names. You are not a giant prehistoric reptile. But your acne seems to be saying otherwise.
2. People that depend on me for their every need. You have a cut? Sure, I'll get you a band-aid. But put it on yourself.
3. Strange shaped coffee mugs
QUICK THINGS THAT I LIKE:
1. Old bathtubs
2. Used book stores
3. Fresh box of crayons


Pirates is to ninjas as Edward is to Jacob is to Jesus is to Satan is to sugar is to dirt. Got that?