Love Lives and Old People

You know what no one cares about? Your twitter update. But besides that, they hate to hear about your love life unless you're in their love life. It's true and you know it. This is a great example of the equivalent feeling you get when someone talks about their love life. Enjoy.

Person (lovelifetalker): Here. Hold my iguana.

You: I have no iguanas. I don't want to hold it.

Person: I didn't ask you. Everyone finds iguanas cool and life changing, so just hold my stinking reptile.

You: Even if I had an iguana, I would want to keep it to myself and not bother people with it. So, no.

Person: You seriously have no say in the matter. It's a worldwide fact that having an iguana is the singlemost greatest thing in the whole wide world. Soo just hold it for an entire thirty minutes of your life.

You: I hate you.

But as someone with an actual love life to speak of, I know what it's like on the other end. And I hate it. I don't want to tell you about my love life. It has nothing to do with the conversation unless you're asking if I'm single. So, this is what it feels like to me:

Person (can'tformadecentconversation): How's the sky doing?

You: It's the sky...? It changes occasionally but will always be the sky. What does this have to do with the conversation?

Person: How far have you gotten in the sky?

You: How is this relevant? I barely even know you.

Person: Did the sky have that big storm because of you?

You: How am I to know what the sky feels? I'm a person. It's the sky. I like the sky. End of story.

Person: Wanna go out?

You: So this is what it's all about.

You know, I rag on old people too much. I really do. So, this is a tribute to old people:

Ways Elderly are Certifiably Awesome to the Extreme Power of Coolness

1. Your music. I love your big band music. Nothing says "break it down" like some swinging jazz tunes.
2. Your clothes are amazing. No one pulls off a sequins-covered-flamingo-mumu like you do. You are bolder than a drag queen in Vegas.
3. The way you speak is awesome. "Groovy", "nifty", "spiffy", "far-out", "swell", "golly", "hip". That is just so groovyniftyspiffyfaroutswellgollyhipawesome!
4. Your cars look like they're made for celebrities, and yet you guys drive them! Your hot rods are what some would call "sexy cars".
5. You are not afraid to critisize an entire generation...even if it is mine.
6. YOU'RE SO CLEAN!!!
7. You have great taste in small dogs. Poodles would not feel loved if not for you.
8. You yell at your electronics. Way to speak your mind to those who don't have functioning brains!
9. I seriously love all the punk rock old ladies who put purple in your hair. We match!
10. You successfully have kept pudding, applesauce, and oatmeal factories up and running for centuries. I'm glad YOU like them, because my generation won't touch the stuff.

Do you ever suspect pregnant women of not being with child, but just fat in weird places?