Not Another Vampire Novel

"About three things I was sure:
One, Barnes and Nobles had a limited teen selection.
Two, I had only twenty dollars to spend.
And three, I was totally, completely, insanely sick and tired of all these vampire 'novels'."
-Me

What do publishing companies think I am? This is what I gathered from glancing at the teen section of B&N:
1. I am a sex crazy, drug taking, alcohol ingesting maniac that somehow finds the time or pleasure of reading 300 pages of absolute crap.
2. To me, these are big words: Irrevocably, sensual, and genuinely. What the heck?
3. I can only relate to Twitter and Facebook, so you authors feel the need to title your books after them.
4. I am secretly a vampire obsessed with Justin Bieber.

Let me clear something up for you really fast: My favorite author? Is not Meg Cabot OR Stephanie Meyer. My favorite author is Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The BFG, Danny Champion of the World, and James and the Giant Peach. So don't try to sell all this disgustingly forbidden love high school drama scene.
Another thing: I'm gonna declare it right now: I'm a Christian and I'm a virgin, and I'd rather not have the sick feeling that I stepped in the middle of a porn movie if I open up your book. Please. I'm a teenager. Not a creepy old man in a basement stalking girls on myspace.
Also! I don't have a twitter, I do not have boy drama and I don't like hearing about other people's, I've had an above college reading level since I was in second grade, and Justin Bieber is an imbecile not worthy of ever ENTERING airwaves. Understand?
Lastly, vampires is my least favorite word in the whole wide world and I shall tell you why. I loved Twilight. It was nice for three months. But then, Media, you had to shove True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Blue Bloods, House of Night BLAH BLAH BLAH down my throat and now I shudder when I hear the "V" word. There is nothing attractive about the things that are described as: "Corpses sucking the blood ruthlessly out of their victims." Oh, yeah, that's a hot date right there.
Vampire: Hey, baby, just wanna let you know, your blood is delecious!
Woman Stupid Enough to Date a Vampire: *gurgling noises of terror*

Yeah, so, next generation, Barnes and Nobles, can we be a bit more creative and make our books LESS humiliating than this years?



Ice Cream in a Cup is for The Insecure Cone Holders

Rant on Old People (Generalization)

*kisses a frog that turns into an attractive announcer*
Announcer: We would love to formally apologize for neglecting all our darling little Inklings out there. The Pink Haired Princess of Print has been temporarily busy and/or suffering from near carpal tunnel and writers block combined. The only GOOD block is sun block, folks, and we apologized once again for our neglect. Now, I'm off to eat something besides flies. *Hops away*

UPDATE ALERT! UPDATE ALERT! BIG FIERY UPDATE ALERT!

I am now a year older! *yay!* SO that's cool. Done with the update. NOW ONTO...RANT!

Things that annoy the snot out of me:
Old people. Don't think I'm disrespectful, because, hey, I'm not. There are some seriously sweet wicked awesome elderly peeps out there. But don't you get tired of THIS after awhile:
Teenager: *turns on radio*
Old Person: Turn that racket off! Back in my day, we had REAL music!
Teenager: *touches a phone and presses a button*
Old Person: You hooligans are always so obsessed with your gosh-darn technology. Back in my day, we played with each other, not our cell phones.
Teenager: *coughs*
Old Person: BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR HEALTH! You think a cough is bad?! I have emphysema!
Teenager: Didn't you get that from smoking eight packs a day?
Old Person: Shut your mouth. At least I know when my pants are too tight.

Seriously, we teenagers need to be the generation that doesn't pass soo much judgement. But! If we need to pass judgement, let it be like this:
Old Person: *begins to play Big Band music*
Teenager: You know, in this day and age, we don't even need instruments to create a beat.
Old Person: *writes a letter*
Teenager: You know, in this day and age, we can send texts faster than your postal service can send that. Your recipient could be dead by the time THAT letter gets to them.
Old Person: *stays healthy*
Teenager: Yeah, you can thank this day and age for our technology.
Old Person: Is that what you call BP? Technology?
Teenager: Shut your mouth. At least we know the difference between pills and Skittles.



P.S. I actually agree more with the stereotypical old person: Stop relying on technology for communication, snail mail is more personal. Stop wearing your jeans like skin, young men! I wish there was more instruments in the music industry. But, I do agree about the skittles thing

Loser Lifeguards and Frustrating Phone Calls

Well hello there! I am terribly sorry for not writing sooner. I've been excruciatingly busy lately, but I will make it up to you, I promise! *holds out diamond earrings/signed football* For you, baby. ;)

Why have I been busy? Maybe, it's because I was captured by a Russian spy. MAYBE, it's because I died and I'm writing to you as a ghost. OR MAYBE, it's because I saved an entire alien race of humanoids that slightly resemble chickens using only a pair of long johns and a toothpick with mold at the tip. Maybe. Just maybe. Or maybe because my birthday happened, I went to a Nazi filled water-park, and I just didn't have the time. But that last reason was probably not true.

Speaking of Nazi-filled-water-parks, what is the deal with lifeguards? I know they're beneficial and need to be there to save our lives, but why do they have to be irritating jerks about it? I listened to this lifeguard who was off duty and he said that his favorite part of the job was getting to yell at the kids. What the heck? If you're a lifeguard, shouldn't you be trying to convince the children that you're friendly and there to help them instead of you convincing them that you're the AntiChrist?

Lifeguard: You worthless piece of feces! You will never amount to anything! You're so fat, you deserve to drown! So stop running around in the friggin pool!!!!

Five Year Old Child: *bursts into tears and begins the long road of self doubt and insecurity*

That is NOT how it should be. This is how it should be:

Lifeguard: Hey, can you please stop running? The ground here is slick and I'm worried you're gonna fall and get really hurt.

Five Year Old Child: Thank you, kind sir, for your concern and your advice. I shall now walk normal pace and remember your kindness and your unique teaching technique for the rest of my days.

That five year old child went to Oxford Pre-K, so don't be shocked by his mannerisms.

Yesterday I went to a wedding. It was pretty low-budget but it was cute enough. Rather short. The reception had NO dancing, which annoyed me. But the way the bride and groom looked at each other was adorable. They were quiet but they just stared at each other and grinned from ear to ear. That was adorable. The look on their faces was the worth going. :)

At 1:48 am, I received a phone call. Just a friend saying hey. OK, when you call me at 1:48 am, I expect this:

"HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!"

"HELP! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

"HELP! ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAS BEEN MURDERED!"

"HELP! I BUTT DIALED YOU!"

"HELP! THE OFFICE HAS BEEN CANCELED AND I DON'T THINK LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!!!!"

*not*

"Hi, just saying hello and returning your call (from 12:00 in the afternoon). Sorry I'm calling so late (yeah, try twelve hours late). Call me back (I'm asleep now)! See ya later alligator (I'm about to send an alligator after you if you try calling me back again, punk.)"

Disclaimer: the person who called is seriously a friend of mine, and I mean no hatred towards them, I was just using this as satire.

If a fat person skinny dips, is it called a double dip?

Being Nice, Fun Stuff without The Stuff, Trolls, and Video Games with the Blind

I love being nice to people. It's seriously wayyy better than being mean. When you're mean, everyone hears about it and learns to hate you and, although mean can feel empowering, it's never worth the hurt and distrust you cause. But being nice, you get that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach, a mental sing-song voice congratulates you, and if people hear about it, they'll wonder: "What makes this person tick?!" I love making people wonder. It's sheer brilliance. :)
Being nice is just one of the things that make me what I like to call...HIGH WITHOUT THE DRUGS. Here's a quick list of several other HIGH WITHOUT THE DRUGS things:

1. Wrapping gifts :)
2. Recycling paper
3. Blowing bubbles with my boyfriend (yesterday we got into a battle haha!)
4. Slip N Slides
5. Slushies from a slushie stand and not a gas station
6. Making cupcakes for someone and stealing a few for myself
7. Drawing a great picture
8. Getting complimented
9. Going to Sephora and no one asks me if I want a free consultation
10. Making new friends
11. Buying a shirt that fits and yet looks like something I would wear in second grade
12. Getting phone calls at random moments

Just thought that would be nice to share...please share YOUR list with me in the comment section!

Speaking of comment section, lately I've been having a few trolls. Let me just say this: Trolls are creatures derived from the Netherlands who can shapeshift into logs or whatever they please and also ride on the back of the winds. They are simple-minded tricksters who love to garden, and some don't even like to think about humans. In my opinion, I'd much rather you be this type of troll than the kind who searches me out just to cause disruption. So, when you can shapeshift into a log or mushroom, feel free to bash me all you want :)

What VideoGames Would Sound Like to a Blind Person:

Video Game Player: Man, it sure is dark in here...I never expected to suddenly turn up in a haunted cave.
Blind Person: Haunted Cave? What haunted cave? We're still at my house, aren't we??
Video Game Player: Do you see that?! There's some floating green orbs!! That means...OH MY GOSH! THERE'S A DRAGON IN HERE!!!
Blind Person: WHAT!??! Dragons don't exist!!!!!!
Video Game Player: Quick! Hand me that level 65 sword!
Blind Person: What sword?!??! I don't own a sword?!?! Man, what're we gonna do?!?!
Video Game Player: Oh crap! The dragon's eating an old man!!
Blind Person: GRANPA?!?!?!
Video Game Player: Don't worry. I killed him. We're safe, but the old man didn't make it in time.
Blind Person: *turns to Video Game Player* Just who are you, really?




Why do wrestlers get named cooler than librarians?

Indians in Movies

Yesterday, I watched Pocahontas again. I have to say, I didn't quite enjoy it as much as I used to. But then, there was a few perks to it. Like, the fact that I realized Grandmother Willow looks like Robin Williams. You don't believe me? Watch it again. I dare you.
Another perk to watching Pocahontas was the fact that I came upon a realization. That realization was: Indians in films are wayy more dramatic than Indians in real-life. I have a full blood Indian friend and he's not talking in dramatic pauses all the time, nor does he make crazy insane metaphors. But, I decided, after watching Pocahontas, that I wanted to contribute to Native American film and make my own Indian movie. It's called:
~Indian at the Water Cooler ~
Scene One, Act Two.

Bill(walks to water cooler where Feet of Rabbit is standing, wearing full headdress): Hey, Feet of Rabbit. How you doing on those forms I gave you?
Feet of Rabbit (looking straight ahead with a face of stone): The forms are like the eagle--they drift in the sky after being torn to shreds.
Bill: Wait a minute...Feet of Rabbit, are you saying you tore up those forms???
Feet of Rabbit: It is the People's way to be as silent as a tarantula in labor.
Bill: What is THAT supposed to mean? Feet of Rabbit, if you tore up those forms, I'm afraid I'll have to fire you.
Feet of Rabbit: Sometimes, you must dance the Dance of the Purple People Eater for a good harvest. Other times, you must skin a bear like the willow bark makes a good burrito filling. But on this day, I must make like a rabbit on fire and run. (sprints out of cubicle)
Bill: So THAT'S why they call him Feet of Rabbit...guess it wasn't just a college nickname after all....

Girls say boys are confusing. Boys say girls are confusing. Do hermaphrodites find THEMSELVES confusing?

Childhood Analysis

Guess what? No, you're wrong. No, not that either. I know, I know I always ask rhetorical questions, but that's not what I was gonna say! OK, seriously, you just need to shut up. Dude. Seriously. SHUT UP! Okay. This is what: My birthday is soon! Whoo hoo! :D I can't tell you the age, sadly, but I'm excited because it's a monumental age...okay, you caught me, I'm turning thirty eight! Haha just kidding...seventy-two!
But, see, now I'm a bit obsessed about age. So are my parents--they tell me I'm immature all the time...but what else is new? I mean, I'm the one running around in a sombrero and Iron Man pajamas at three in the afternoon and not even thinking it's weird... But I've been thinking back about all the stuff I did when I was a kid, and I'd love to share it with you!

My favorite TV shows as a child:
If you ever need a conversation starter, children's shows are the way to go. My favorite shows were as following: Powerpuff Girls (still own the dolls and tapes and now I got the T-Shirt), Sesame Street, Arthur, Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, The Wild Thornberries, Johnny Bravo, and Doug. Hot Topic is starting to sell stuff from ALL these shows..you can imagine my happiness!

My annoying habits as a child:
I always wanted attention. I always wanted other kids' birthday gifts. I would open toys in the store without paying. I ate my boogers...nothing has changed...except the booger and toy thing....okay, maybe not! Just kidding!

Things I do now but I didn't do as a child:

1. Blow bubbles. They were sticky and annoying. But now...I own 24 bottles :)
2. Use glowsticks. They were alien-toys when I was little, but now I love em.
3. Color outside the lines. That was nonsense when I was a kid, but now I consider it relaxing and rebellious haha!
4. Play with Play-doh. Ate it as a kid, played with it as a teen.
5. Watch Spongebob. He annoyed me, but now he's hilarious.
6. Take naps. I didn't have nap time as a kid, but I wouldn't use it if we did. I just woke up from a three hour nap about thirty minutes ago.

Ways that I'm Similiar to Old People:

1. Low tolerance for teenagers.
2. Annoyance at texting.
3. I can sing all the oldies songs from the 60's.
4. I finish my food because I worry about those poor kids in China.
5. I'm frightened easily.
6. I enjoy playing Scrabble, Bingo, and Yahtzee.
   
7. I'm scared to be alone.

Has anyone ever heard of a disco stick BEFORE Lady Gaga?

Apology, Talk Show Secrets, and Advice to the Young and Young @ Heart

Sorry I haven't been posting lately, Inklings! The time has caught me and I just narrowly escaped! So, in order for my head to be completely guilt-free, I'm afraid I'm gonna unleash a bunch of posts that are rabid to come and destroy you! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

What do talk show hosts say to the people in the other chair when the camera isn't rolling? When commercial time comes, we see these people lean over and whisper...what are they saying?

Oprah *leans over to Kanye West and whispers*: Good job interrupting Taylor. You follow orders well. Man, I hate that girl.
Jay Leno *leans over to Jennifer Lopez and whispers*: We both know you're Asian, J-Lo.
Dr. Phil *leans over to Dr. Oz and whispers*: We kill Oprah at dawn.

Here are my words of *cough cough* "wisdom". AKA, me pretending to know it all.

Check for toilet paper *before* you sit down.

Don't say "That girls looks like a dude!" when she could be someone's mom. And when I say "someone", I mean the kid next to you.

Life is the things you don't plan...but try to say that to a pregnant teen without getting punched in the face.

The best way to avoid drama is to shut up and/or watch Disney movies at 1:00 am.

You are never too old to treat yourself to a coloring book and fresh crayons. NEVER.

Never act wise around old people or they'll try to one up you. "You think you know that? Lemme tell ya somethin'! Back in '59, we didn't have shoelaces. So we used our own hair to tie our shoes together so we could walk to the fields. And we loved it. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. You youngins take everything for granted."

Gay people will always be the funniest in a movie. No matter what religion you are, no matter where you stand, you will always laugh at the gay man.

Little kids may be annoying, but they'll always remember what you said to them. Unless you tell them what to do...then they just forget on purpose.




I'd rather hold hands than grudges.