Why have I been busy? Maybe, it's because I was captured by a Russian spy. MAYBE, it's because I died and I'm writing to you as a ghost. OR MAYBE, it's because I saved an entire alien race of humanoids that slightly resemble chickens using only a pair of long johns and a toothpick with mold at the tip. Maybe. Just maybe. Or maybe because my birthday happened, I went to a Nazi filled water-park, and I just didn't have the time. But that last reason was probably not true.
Speaking of Nazi-filled-water-parks, what is the deal with lifeguards? I know they're beneficial and need to be there to save our lives, but why do they have to be irritating jerks about it? I listened to this lifeguard who was off duty and he said that his favorite part of the job was getting to yell at the kids. What the heck? If you're a lifeguard, shouldn't you be trying to convince the children that you're friendly and there to help them instead of you convincing them that you're the AntiChrist?
Lifeguard: You worthless piece of feces! You will never amount to anything! You're so fat, you deserve to drown! So stop running around in the friggin pool!!!!
Five Year Old Child: *bursts into tears and begins the long road of self doubt and insecurity*
That is NOT how it should be. This is how it should be:
Lifeguard: Hey, can you please stop running? The ground here is slick and I'm worried you're gonna fall and get really hurt.
Five Year Old Child: Thank you, kind sir, for your concern and your advice. I shall now walk normal pace and remember your kindness and your unique teaching technique for the rest of my days.
That five year old child went to Oxford Pre-K, so don't be shocked by his mannerisms.
Yesterday I went to a wedding. It was pretty low-budget but it was cute enough. Rather short. The reception had NO dancing, which annoyed me. But the way the bride and groom looked at each other was adorable. They were quiet but they just stared at each other and grinned from ear to ear. That was adorable. The look on their faces was the worth going. :)
At 1:48 am, I received a phone call. Just a friend saying hey. OK, when you call me at 1:48 am, I expect this:
"HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!"
"HELP! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"
"HELP! ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAS BEEN MURDERED!"
"HELP! I BUTT DIALED YOU!"
"HELP! THE OFFICE HAS BEEN CANCELED AND I DON'T THINK LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!!!!"
*not*
"Hi, just saying hello and returning your call (from 12:00 in the afternoon). Sorry I'm calling so late (yeah, try twelve hours late). Call me back (I'm asleep now)! See ya later alligator (I'm about to send an alligator after you if you try calling me back again, punk.)"
Disclaimer: the person who called is seriously a friend of mine, and I mean no hatred towards them, I was just using this as satire.
If a fat person skinny dips, is it called a double dip?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Lend me an echo?