Not Another Vampire Novel

"About three things I was sure:
One, Barnes and Nobles had a limited teen selection.
Two, I had only twenty dollars to spend.
And three, I was totally, completely, insanely sick and tired of all these vampire 'novels'."
-Me

What do publishing companies think I am? This is what I gathered from glancing at the teen section of B&N:
1. I am a sex crazy, drug taking, alcohol ingesting maniac that somehow finds the time or pleasure of reading 300 pages of absolute crap.
2. To me, these are big words: Irrevocably, sensual, and genuinely. What the heck?
3. I can only relate to Twitter and Facebook, so you authors feel the need to title your books after them.
4. I am secretly a vampire obsessed with Justin Bieber.

Let me clear something up for you really fast: My favorite author? Is not Meg Cabot OR Stephanie Meyer. My favorite author is Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The BFG, Danny Champion of the World, and James and the Giant Peach. So don't try to sell all this disgustingly forbidden love high school drama scene.
Another thing: I'm gonna declare it right now: I'm a Christian and I'm a virgin, and I'd rather not have the sick feeling that I stepped in the middle of a porn movie if I open up your book. Please. I'm a teenager. Not a creepy old man in a basement stalking girls on myspace.
Also! I don't have a twitter, I do not have boy drama and I don't like hearing about other people's, I've had an above college reading level since I was in second grade, and Justin Bieber is an imbecile not worthy of ever ENTERING airwaves. Understand?
Lastly, vampires is my least favorite word in the whole wide world and I shall tell you why. I loved Twilight. It was nice for three months. But then, Media, you had to shove True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Blue Bloods, House of Night BLAH BLAH BLAH down my throat and now I shudder when I hear the "V" word. There is nothing attractive about the things that are described as: "Corpses sucking the blood ruthlessly out of their victims." Oh, yeah, that's a hot date right there.
Vampire: Hey, baby, just wanna let you know, your blood is delecious!
Woman Stupid Enough to Date a Vampire: *gurgling noises of terror*

Yeah, so, next generation, Barnes and Nobles, can we be a bit more creative and make our books LESS humiliating than this years?



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