Laugh at My Expense, Then Buy Me a Frap.

Stupid stuff I do/did/will do:

1. When I was in kindergarten, I learned a weird phrase. I repeated this phrase to every student I met, and also, to their delight, my teachers. This phrase concerned them so much that my mother was called and she had to explain what dark connotations were associated with my newfound favorite two words combined. The phrase? "Simple suicide!"
2. The first time I called a boy, his mother answered thanks to the still-popular-use of the home phone system. Unfortunately, I was so nervous about calling this boy that I mistook his mother for him and went on and on about something unrelated until she informed that she, in fact, was his mother, who, in fact, is a woman. I have never spoken to this boy again, and I have never called a boy's home phone unscheduled again.
3. Once, on a day when I had a boyfriend, I spied someone walking into a Mexican restaurant. Being ever-so-cool and hip, and also being horridly near-sighted, I said to my boyfriend "Is that a man or woman!? I can't tell! I think man! What do you think?" His response? "That's my mom."
4. One day, I will die. But not from murder or anything. No, I am going to die because I will be very unaware that my side is bleeding or my brain leaped out or something else obvious. I know this because I have four bruises, two cuts, and three burns on me at this moment and I have no clue from where I have received these injuries. I swear, you could stab me and I would keep talking about something. Then, two days later, I'd look down and say "Hmm, I seem to be dying" and then die.
5. In fourth grade, my fourth grade teacher was discussing the Fruits of the Spirit. I was a brown-noser and shouted as soon as she finished off the list of spiritual fruits: "If those are the fruits, you must be a FRUITCAKE!" Only a few minutes later, after death glares from her, did I learn that fruitcake means crazy in a generation older than my own.
6. I misheard the lyrics "Would you rather be a widow or a divorcee?" as "Would you rather be a weedhole or a debortion?" Neither word exists, by the way.
7. Two days ago, I was getting water in a glass at a party. I then realized that I rarely ever put ice in my water or drink, and when I do, I consider it a special treat. Flipping through the files of my mind, I discovered that the fact I considered it was a treat was not due to appreciation of luxury or even depravity of ice. Instead, I realized that I always consider it to be extra calories, and I avoid ice so I don't get fat. Ice is made of frozen water. Water has no calories. I still refuse to put ice in.
8. Three or four days ago, I had the unpleasant experience of having a favorite teacher of mine put her hands on my face. This bothers me because anyone touching me over age 25 is automatically trying to mug me. Then, my friend accidentally pushed me from behind, which sent me deep into the furrows of this woman and feeling her breasts all over me. I am mortified still.