Inside Jokes and Diseases

I am going to rant to you. No, no, no. I won't cuss your head off. That's liberal stuff ;) No, I'm going to rant about INSIDE JOKES. I bet you just had an inside joke pop into your mind, didn't you? Of course you did. Because, most likely, you have one. Congratulations, I'm happy for you. Keep it to yourself. No one cares. Unless the person is actually in the INSIDE JOKE no one finds it as hilarious as you do.
I know I sound like a cranky old grouch--you know, the kind that screams at you for letting you onto their lawn. But seriously, I love inside jokes when they're MINE.
OK, saying that thing about yelling at kids for stepping onto a lawn makes me want to describe my next door neighbor to you. I think she eats children. Seriously, this woman is extremely old and her voice sounds like a pan scraping against gravel. I had to sit in a car with her once, because my mother is convinced that they're friends, and she played COUNTRY GOSPEL in the car. Can you already picture my lovely ears bleeding like crazy? Yeah. She also told me how to live my life. Do all old people feel the need to advise me how to do things? Because then I'm running away to NeverNeverLand so that I can never be old and advising.
My neighbor also has a disease called Appear Out of Nowhere Syndrome. AKA she is nosy. She once came over to give us a lightbulb around 11 at night, when it's a rule of thumb that all old people should be asleep. This startling fact makes me think that she may be, in fact, a zombie neighbor. She also has the annoying habit of coming over when I step out of the shower. Why she has the urge to see me naked, I have no idea. Must be a zombie thing. She must press her ear against our house's outside wall, just LISTENING for running water. Then, she'll come over and pretend she wants to take my dog for a walk (she's obsessed with my dog. She calls herself my dog's aunt. She is NOT my dog's aunt. She is my dog's zombie neighbor and that is where I cross the line) and THEN she tries to catch me naked. I have given her no such satisfaction.
Speaking of disorders, here are some diseases I have witnessed in my short years:
Angry Driver Disorder: Where a parent (does not have to be the victim's parent, but anyone's parent) drives like they don't know what a road is; hits the brakes like they're stomping on a rattlesnake; and shouts at you or the car in front of you louder than the car radio. Most of these who suffer from ADD (haha) are above thirty and are Conservative Republicans. You can spot those who suffer by the constant outcries of: "O'Bama put idiots on these streets! You dirty liberal ***!!!" and "Shut up, young lady! I am sick of all your whining! I am trying to drive!!" Note that they say TRYING to drive.
Dull Chatter Flu: Where someone IMs only "lol" "ok" "haha" and "yah". This kills 88% of conversations online. The origins of this epidemic is unknown but many speculate that it is all because, as a child, those who now suffer from DCF lacked daily tickle fights.
Planning Memory Loss Disorder: The victims of this illness make plans and never keep them. Otherwise known as "players"
Rapid Talker Disability: These are the people who keep talking, even when everyone else is clearly bored to tears. The symptoms of this disease are as following:

• sporatic subject change
• Crazy hand motions
• The overusage of the word "like"
• having no friends

Bipolar Copy Cat Virus: Those who suffer from BCCV are the ones whose iPod have every one of your songs but they themselves can't sing it if their life depended on it; people who wear the same clothing as you and try to make it seem you BOTH planned on wearing it the exact same day (Common excuse for the word "Twinkies"); and the one individual who quotes your jokes more than you do.

There you have it. These diseases are almost in everyone you meet, but in certain degrees. Maybe you yourself suffer from them. If you or a loved one suffer from any of these diseases, call the toll free number : 1-800-YOU-ANNOY-ME
Alright, folks, comment and I will give you a small child that is purely invisible and doesn't poop. I bought it off the invisible children slave market--don't tell anyone! ;)