Men Rumor and The Problem with Metaphors

OK, I am not sexist. Do not try to pull that one with me, boys. But, I'm just saying, you people are not helping me disbelieve in the rumor. What rumor? The rumor that men are afraid of commitment. Why do I say this? Because, I have THREE, count it, THREE male species reading my blog WITHOUT FOLLOWING ME! Are you the tall dark mysterious type that you cannot simply type in a password, O Lurking Male Inklings? I will now refer to you as my Olmi. :) Olmi, become a full registered Inkling, please! Prove the rumor that men are afraid of commitment wrong. Because, what if other rumors are true? Like the rumor that I have a trained ninja assassin ready to kill you if you do not follow this blog? That rumor that the ninja assassin is in your closet may just be true as well...*evil laughter*

What is the deal with metaphors? What would happen if they were in real life? Example: Cute as a button. If your baby looked as "cute as a button" not only would I be freaked out, but I would be concerned for its health. How did it get that way? Did you cheat with a button?? I mean, come on, think of the teasing! Four holes punctured into plastic skin is just begging to be made fun of. Forget four eyes, it's four holes now!
"Eyes that sparkled like stars." You're telling me you find people's eyes that light up like a gaseous ball of space-fire attracts you? You need mental assistance, buddy.
Hourglass figure. What about the other time-telling devices? Why can't they have a figure named after them? You don't see any alarm-clock figures or grandfather clock figures waltzing around. So why bring hourglass into play? Can't you just say "curvy"?
A huge pet peeve of mine is when people say "musical laughter." When I hear people laugh, I do not hum along or tap my feet or break out dancing. Does musical laughter have different genres? Rap laughter? Bluegrass laughter? Shakira laughter? If you think your laugh is weird now, picture people's faces when they hear you laugh like you're singing Hakuna Matata.
Just saying, all those really don't make sense to me. What about you? What is a metaphor that super weirds you out? By the way, I saw Diary of a Wimpy Kid last night. It was El Fantastico! <--no, I do not know Spanish. Shut up. But seriously, it was a good movie, so I give it the pink-thumb of approval.
In review this is what you have learned today: Olmis need to join the blog. Metaphors are for the mentally insane. I cannot speak Spanish. AND! I am starving for macaroni and cheese. COMMENT IF YOU LIKE MACARONI AND CHEESE! OR...just comment and I'll be happy and not get that ninja to get you, Inklings. ;)