Beauty Pageants

Today was an odd day, Inklings! Today was the day I realized "my dreams" and discovered "my true potential" as a "young woman". Yes, my dears, I got a Miss America Oklahoma registration letter. I never asked for it, so don't get out your judging fingers yet. Put them back in your judging pockets sewed to your judging pants. But nevertheless, I was nominated. Okay, I'll admit it, I am a bit flattered that someone finds me funny or smart or pretty enough to try out...wait a second. I'm having an epiphany right here on the blog. What if this was some sort of cruel joke? Hmm. Either someone doesn't realize where I stand on beauty pageants or someone DOES know where I stand on beauty pageants and decided to pull the wool over my anti-pageant judging-eyes. Anyways, you must now realize that I absolutely hate pageants with a burning passion. Let me elaborate by using the pageant pamphlet and newsletter they sent me as prime examples.

Observation one: They say that I'm going to be "realizing my dreams". I'm sorry, when I think of pageants, I think of people fretting over me to get my makeup and hair perfect, wearing terribly uncomfortable clothing, and snotty teen girls being primped by their mothers to win at something that will never get you anywhere in life. Now, don't get me wrong, but to me, that sounded more like a nightmare than my dream. And when you say "realize my dreams" I translate that into: "Your dream isn't the dream we want you to have. Being a writer? No way! Pageant queen? Yes!"

Observation two: ALL the girls were coated in makeup, wearing ridiculous short shorts, and were as orange as Oompa Loompas. It was like going to Wonka's chocolate factory and realizing the Oompa Loompas were strippers. I don't think that description fits me that well...Oh, yeah, and all of them looked twelve years old.

Observation three: They claimed that my family would be cheering me on and rooting for me to reach my inner potential. Okay, when is watching your daughter be changed into a completely different person considered something good to root for? Shouldn't you be telling your kid she looks fine and doesn't need the professional makeup and hair help and she needs to loose five pounds before Friday? Maybe I just believe in old-fashioned values, I guess...can you hear my sarcasm?

Okay, that's my rant of the day. Sorry if it bored you. If I ran a beauty pageant, I would do things differently. I'll show you how.
*FORMAL WEAR*
Man in thick mustache: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen and those in between or currently gender frustrated! This is the annual-but-never-happening-again "RoseChild's Random Pageant streaming somewhat live but very scripted to Y-O-....you.
Thin blonde woman: Thanks, Steve. Today we'll be looking at our hormonal and somewhat cranky but altogether usually tolerable contestants as they compete for something they'll never use---a scholarship! You know, Steve, all colleges today are looking for bubble-brained individuals.
Steve: True, that Nancy. Speaking of bubble-brained individuals, here comes Samantha Sourgrass wearing her formal wear!
Nancy: Formal wear? Steve, Samantha isn't wearing any clothes!
Steve: Oh, I forgot to mention! Samantha is sporting formal wear from the collection "Adam and Eve--Before the Fig Leaves." It costs a total of ninety thousand dollars!
Nancy: How decadent!
Steve: Decadent?
Nancy: Yes, I believe that's some sort of hard-candy. Wow, Steve. Look how artful and tasteful that formal wear is!
*SWIMWEAR*
Nancy: Steve! Stop drooling and comment on the contestant's bikinis like a mature older gentlemen who isn't gay!
Steve: Impossible!
Nancy: Is that girl wearing a manta ray for a top?
*PERSONALITY QUIZ*
Steve: Rebecca, what do you want to see in the world today?
Rebecca: ...world peace.
Steve: Besides that. You used that for the last twenty-seven questions.
Rebecca: Oh...um..............cleaner makeup kiosks in the mall.
Steve: Me too, Rebecca. Me too.
*FINALE*
Nancy: Remember girls, deep in our hearts, we're ALL winners!
Steve: Except the forty-nine of you who've lost! Haha!

See? Now why can't pageants be more like that? Oh, wait...they are, aren't they?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
Check it out people.