THE MOST VITAL THING YOU'LL EVER READ!

Hello there, Inklings! My, how you have grown! I'm glad to see you're all chipper and lovely as always, minus the depressed bunch of you complaining about your nostrils being too close to your eyes! Today I'm here to help you. I see that longing and lonely in your eyes that screams "I have been victim to awkward conversation too long!" I'm here to help, my Inklings, my children, my blog-obsessed fanatics that make me smile when I see the Followers list. I'll address the first part of why I will be such a great help to you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Awkward questions are the absolute number one killer in all conversations. They're like snipers in small-talk--just waiting to shoot a poison dart arrow into your chatter. So let me help you snipe them back. What is: An Awkward Question? The usual question you receive: "What is your favorite color?" "What do you do for fun?" "What music are you into?" How do I Make Those Awkward? Let me show you.
Q: "What is your favorite color?"
A: "The color of underwear you're wearing right now"
Bonus! If they're not wearing any. Who doesn't wear underwear? Seriously, what if your pants rip?! Where will you be THEN, you sick ignorant speck of nature? Nowhere, Pantiless Fool. NOWHERE.

Sie Waffeln Ekel meine Familie und Freunde (translation: your waffles disgust my family and friends!), Bark an meinem Fenster, erhalten lazers in Ihren Augen!(bark at my window--get lazers in your eye!), Mittens können für Feste und Beerdigungen verwendet werden(mittens can be used for parties and funerals)
Q: "What music are you into?"
A: "The sounds of men screaming in terror"
Alternate answer:"Scream therapy" then bonus if you start to shriek as an example.


Good! I hope you enjoyed those. Write them on your forehead if you must, because those are vital to defend yourself against conversation snipers. But, those are not the only things that kill conversations. For one thing, dressing in dull clothing makes you a wallflower, and no one talks to flowers except Alice from Alice in Wonderland (terrific book, may I add). Secondly, you sometimes make the mistake of ASKING stupid, halting questions. I know, Inklings, you can't believe it. But I can because I've had the pleasure to speak to all of you, except one of you, but you're just special. ;) So how can you right this tragedious wrong? I'll tell you: Ask better questions. Here are some great examples conjured up by yours truly.

"How many oysters would you sacrifice to the pretzel gods if he had your monkey tribe under siege?"
"If I was attacked, say by a giant squid measuring 22.38 feet long, would you save me and how?"
"If your tongue had to have six magical powers, what would they be?"
"What sort of books do you think God would like burned?"
"If I was a vegetarian, would eating a slef-constructed statue of a pregnant walrus be considered immoral?"

Also, if you wish for better options, just start to write my polls down. Obviously those are amazing, elsewise you wouldn't be voting on them all the time. ;)

Lastly, here is a list that is vital for you to never use:

• Compliment someone. You're lying. Either that or you're sincere and plan on murdering them to get whatever they're complimenting. And yes, I'm fully aware that you could be complimenting their hair. My explanation remains the same. In all reality though, complimenting someone just results in a polite little "Thanks" and then awkward silence. Unless you plan on tap dancing during that awkward silence, skip the compliments.
• Talking about the weather. The thing about weather is that is never stays the same. Unless you're speaking to a weatherman or meteorologist, shut up. The weather is only gonna be like this for a moment. Talk about something more solid.
• Asking about the person's family's well being. Are you insane? Chances are, this person does not like or want to speak about their family. I mean, they live with them twenty-four seven.
• Asking "How are You?". We all expect someone to say fine, so don't bother. Only bother if you know their honest. I make a point to tell everyone exactly how I am. Also, don't ask the repulsive "What's up?" or "How've you been?" The answers will always be the standard: "Nothing" and "Good" which are both neon-flashing warnings screaming "THEY WANT TO LEAVE"

There you have it. I hope this has been as educational as one of those PBS Nature Films. At least I did include a giant squid, and you're never gonna see any of those popping around PBS alive anytime, trust me. Comment like you have a disorder, be as un-awkward or intentionally awkward as possible, and remember: "No one cares about your pet Foofie unless Foofie has superpowers."